adBlockCheck

Recent News

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Evidence Against Ivins

The suicide of bioweapons researcher Dr. Bruce Ivins derailed the investigation into his alleged involvement in the 2001 anthrax attacks. The FBI, convinced that he was the guilty party, has unsealed the following evidence:

Personalized Christmas cards featured him in hazmat suit

During his time at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, was in charge of the bucket holding the anthrax

Knife, gun found in drawer labeled "weapons that won't be used to kill people"

Cheney said "That's the guy"

Entire apartment reeks strongly of anthrax

A parrot belonging to Ivins that squawks "My name is Bacillus anthracis" over and over

VHS copy of Outbreak

Was totally paranoid that government was after him

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close