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The Evidence Against Ivins

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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The Evidence Against Ivins

The suicide of bioweapons researcher Dr. Bruce Ivins derailed the investigation into his alleged involvement in the 2001 anthrax attacks. The FBI, convinced that he was the guilty party, has unsealed the following evidence:

Personalized Christmas cards featured him in hazmat suit

During his time at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, was in charge of the bucket holding the anthrax

Knife, gun found in drawer labeled "weapons that won't be used to kill people"

Cheney said "That's the guy"

Entire apartment reeks strongly of anthrax

A parrot belonging to Ivins that squawks "My name is Bacillus anthracis" over and over

VHS copy of Outbreak

Was totally paranoid that government was after him

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