CAMBRIDGE, MA—Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: twenty great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a Sex Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wasserstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."
ROYAL OAK, MI—In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru windows at fast-food restaurants. "What's the deal with that box you talk into?" inquired Campanelli. "It's like, 'HOOWARGA DOOMA DOOMA UBBAGUBBA OWOP OOWAARGH!' Am I right?" Campanelli went on to suggest that an intentionally unintelligible reply would be an amusing and appropriate response from a customer in such a situation, but continued to wonder as to the deal. Campanelli will repeat his line of inquiry next Friday and Saturday at 8:30 and 11 p.m. The 37-year-old comedian has questioned other deals in the past, including the deal with those little umbrellas that come in tropical drinks and the deal with the way women go to the bathroom in pairs, as if they are talking about some sort of top-secret woman thing in there or something.
SAN FRANCISCO—The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey Schaeffer had paid the requested $10 fee for the shareware puzzle game CubeMania. "I enjoyed the game," Schaeffer told reporters. "And since I am keeping it on my hard drive, it is my responsibility to pay the fee." By paying the $10, Schaeffer will receive free technical support for CubeMania and upgrades when they become available. Schaeffer also recently wrote the NFL for express written consent before watching a videotape of last year's Super Bowl with several friends.
In this world, some people are takers and some people are givers. Me, I'm a giver. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I like to contribute to the well-being of my fellow man, because Lord only knows how much longer we'll be stranded together on this crazy rock.
Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so many families enjoy while spending time together in reverence and watching movies on the Silver Screen.
I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child.
CHICAGO—With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat.