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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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The Great Sports Books

To mark the publication of The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion takes a look at the proud tradition of sports literature.

  • Paper Lion, Again: A 74-year-old George Plimpton returns for another lighthearted look at trying out for the Detroit Lions and is surprised at how easily he earns the starting quarterback job for the 2001 season
  • Moneypuck: Details how the shrewd Atlanta Thrashers managed to go 11 seasons without paying a single player
  • My Losing Season: The anonymous author looks back on playing basketball his senior year of high school, and although the book is compellingly written, its title completely ruins the ending
  • In The Rough: Author Jay Goldsmith spends countless hours with some of the all-time greatest PGA golfers and explains to each one of them just how much he fucking hates golf
  • The Book Of Basketball: Two paragraphs in, Bill Simmons' 736-page tome sets a new record for how quickly a sportswriter can become long-winded, get off topic, and start grating on your last nerve
  • Charlotte's Webb: E.B. White's timeless story of how an unlikely friendship with a dying barn spider inspired Spud Webb to win the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk Contest
  • When Pride Still Mattered: David Maraniss details the life of Vince Lombardi, vividly capturing a man who overcame responsibilities as a father and husband to succeed in football
  • Bullet In The Brain: Tobias Wolff's elegiac two-page story reminds us all that no matter how rich or tragic our lives, baseball is the last thing we think of before death

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