adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Health Of America

The United Health Foundation recently ranked the 50 states, top to bottom, in order of healthiest to least healthy. Here are some of the key rankings, along with the factors that placed them there.

STATE, THIS YEAR'S RANK (LAST YEAR'S RANK): REASON

West Virginia, 44 (45): Governor delivered on promise of squirrel in every pot

New York, 27 (8): Trans-fats ban in restaurants forcing residents to mug/rape/murder one another

New Jersey, 21 (14): Clerical error in medical records corrected

California, 25 (21): Role demanded a more diabetic look

Illinois, 28 (27): Chicago extended legal limit for deep-dish depth

Nevada, 39 (38): 38 wasn't working for them; trying luck with 39

Wyoming, 19 (23): Health department ordered all unhealthy people to stay home when United Health Foundation was in town

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close