The Health Of America

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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The Health Of America

The United Health Foundation recently ranked the 50 states, top to bottom, in order of healthiest to least healthy. Here are some of the key rankings, along with the factors that placed them there.

STATE, THIS YEAR'S RANK (LAST YEAR'S RANK): REASON

West Virginia, 44 (45): Governor delivered on promise of squirrel in every pot

New York, 27 (8): Trans-fats ban in restaurants forcing residents to mug/rape/murder one another

New Jersey, 21 (14): Clerical error in medical records corrected

California, 25 (21): Role demanded a more diabetic look

Illinois, 28 (27): Chicago extended legal limit for deep-dish depth

Nevada, 39 (38): 38 wasn't working for them; trying luck with 39

Wyoming, 19 (23): Health department ordered all unhealthy people to stay home when United Health Foundation was in town

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