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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Health Of America

The United Health Foundation recently ranked the 50 states, top to bottom, in order of healthiest to least healthy. Here are some of the key rankings, along with the factors that placed them there.

STATE, THIS YEAR'S RANK (LAST YEAR'S RANK): REASON

West Virginia, 44 (45): Governor delivered on promise of squirrel in every pot

New York, 27 (8): Trans-fats ban in restaurants forcing residents to mug/rape/murder one another

New Jersey, 21 (14): Clerical error in medical records corrected

California, 25 (21): Role demanded a more diabetic look

Illinois, 28 (27): Chicago extended legal limit for deep-dish depth

Nevada, 39 (38): 38 wasn't working for them; trying luck with 39

Wyoming, 19 (23): Health department ordered all unhealthy people to stay home when United Health Foundation was in town

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