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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The iPod Turns 10

Apple's iPod, the MP3 player that revolutionized portable digital music, turned 10 recently. Here are some high points from the device's decade of existence:

  • Jan. 23, 2002: "iPod" replaces "creative nomad jukebox" as the generic term for an MP3 player
  • Mar. 25, 2002: The iPod wins the endorsement of an influential group of silhouettes
  • Mar. 27, 2002: Nelly receives free iPod in some bullshit gift basket
  • Dec. 21, 2002: Fifty-one-year-old Doug Carmichael of Landover, MD becomes the first of nearly 28 million incredulous fathers who can't believe that thing doesn't even play the radio
  • Jan. 18, 2003: iPod dock no longer makes tiny scream sound effects while charging
  • Jan. 11, 2005: iPod Shuffle introduced for people who like the same songs they've listened to all their lives in a refreshingly unpredictable order
  • Sept. 5, 2007: Apple debuts the first iPod Touch in response to users' complaints that their screens aren't getting as smudged as they'd like
  • May 15, 2009: President Barack Obama learns his 4G Nano is full after attempting to load Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance" onto it
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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