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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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The iPod Turns 10

Apple's iPod, the MP3 player that revolutionized portable digital music, turned 10 recently. Here are some high points from the device's decade of existence:

  • Jan. 23, 2002: "iPod" replaces "creative nomad jukebox" as the generic term for an MP3 player
  • Mar. 25, 2002: The iPod wins the endorsement of an influential group of silhouettes
  • Mar. 27, 2002: Nelly receives free iPod in some bullshit gift basket
  • Dec. 21, 2002: Fifty-one-year-old Doug Carmichael of Landover, MD becomes the first of nearly 28 million incredulous fathers who can't believe that thing doesn't even play the radio
  • Jan. 18, 2003: iPod dock no longer makes tiny scream sound effects while charging
  • Jan. 11, 2005: iPod Shuffle introduced for people who like the same songs they've listened to all their lives in a refreshingly unpredictable order
  • Sept. 5, 2007: Apple debuts the first iPod Touch in response to users' complaints that their screens aren't getting as smudged as they'd like
  • May 15, 2009: President Barack Obama learns his 4G Nano is full after attempting to load Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance" onto it

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