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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The Legacy Of Ray Bradbury

Pioneering science-fiction author Ray Bradbury, who wrote such books as Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles, died last week at the age of 91. Here are some of the works he leaves behind:

  • R Is For Rocket: A collection of short stories all prominently featuring Montreal Canadiens right wing Maurice "Rocket" Richard
  • The Illustrated Man: This captivating volume of stories is more than gripping enough to keep a young man’s mind off his depressingly infinitesimal odds of losing his virginity anytime soon
  • Ray’s Tips For Top Grilling: Bradbury’s influential barbecue cookbook, which includes a recipe for Sweet ’n’ Spicy Ribs that may seem quaint now, but was hailed as revolutionary when it was first published in 1963
  • The Martian Chronicles: A series of intertwined stories that at times appears to satirize issues that plague our society, but really is just a bunch of alien shit
  • Something Wicked This Way Comes: A scary guy shows up in a small town; well, he's not that scary if you're just reading it, but if you were a character in the book, you'd find him scary, perhaps even sinister
  • The Barney Chronicles: The space adventures of Don Knotts' character from The Andy Griffith Show and Bradbury’s first installment in what turned out to be a very brief foray into fan fiction
  • The Proof Is In The Pudding: Turns out the space-suited visitor from another world is…a woman
  • Sunbeam Model T-20 Auto Toaster Manual #44AG104: An in-depth look at the functions and highlights of the T-20 because, hey, they weren't just handing out book advances in 1949
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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