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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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The Legacy Of Ray Bradbury

Pioneering science-fiction author Ray Bradbury, who wrote such books as Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles, died last week at the age of 91. Here are some of the works he leaves behind:

  • R Is For Rocket: A collection of short stories all prominently featuring Montreal Canadiens right wing Maurice "Rocket" Richard
  • The Illustrated Man: This captivating volume of stories is more than gripping enough to keep a young man’s mind off his depressingly infinitesimal odds of losing his virginity anytime soon
  • Ray’s Tips For Top Grilling: Bradbury’s influential barbecue cookbook, which includes a recipe for Sweet ’n’ Spicy Ribs that may seem quaint now, but was hailed as revolutionary when it was first published in 1963
  • The Martian Chronicles: A series of intertwined stories that at times appears to satirize issues that plague our society, but really is just a bunch of alien shit
  • Something Wicked This Way Comes: A scary guy shows up in a small town; well, he's not that scary if you're just reading it, but if you were a character in the book, you'd find him scary, perhaps even sinister
  • The Barney Chronicles: The space adventures of Don Knotts' character from The Andy Griffith Show and Bradbury’s first installment in what turned out to be a very brief foray into fan fiction
  • The Proof Is In The Pudding: Turns out the space-suited visitor from another world is…a woman
  • Sunbeam Model T-20 Auto Toaster Manual #44AG104: An in-depth look at the functions and highlights of the T-20 because, hey, they weren't just handing out book advances in 1949

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