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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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The Life And Times Of Al Davis

He was a coach, an owner, an executive who hired the league's first minorities in key positions, a vindictive boss, and a litigation-happy gadfly. We list the man's most notable moments in an effort to define Al Davis.

  • 1942: At age 13, stood in front of mirror, slicked back hair, felt pretty good about self
  • 1966: Davis and Pete Rozelle begin classic business relationship of making millions of dollars together while wanting to kill the other person
  • 1969: On what is perhaps the greatest day of his life, Davis both hires John Madden to coach the Raiders and buys his first pantsuit
  • 1980: Ken Stabler looks at Davis a little funny, is traded
  • 1984: Meets Jerry Jones for the first time, sizes him up, and passionately embraces him in the only meaningful hug either man has ever experienced
  • 1991: Dies for the first time
  • 2003: Marcus Allen inducted into Pro Football Hall of Fame, where he recounts his proudest moment: fucking Al Davis' wife
  • 2004: Moves the team back to L.A. for a few days just because he hasn't done anything dickish in a while

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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