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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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The Life And Times Of Al Davis

He was a coach, an owner, an executive who hired the league's first minorities in key positions, a vindictive boss, and a litigation-happy gadfly. We list the man's most notable moments in an effort to define Al Davis.

  • 1942: At age 13, stood in front of mirror, slicked back hair, felt pretty good about self
  • 1966: Davis and Pete Rozelle begin classic business relationship of making millions of dollars together while wanting to kill the other person
  • 1969: On what is perhaps the greatest day of his life, Davis both hires John Madden to coach the Raiders and buys his first pantsuit
  • 1980: Ken Stabler looks at Davis a little funny, is traded
  • 1984: Meets Jerry Jones for the first time, sizes him up, and passionately embraces him in the only meaningful hug either man has ever experienced
  • 1991: Dies for the first time
  • 2003: Marcus Allen inducted into Pro Football Hall of Fame, where he recounts his proudest moment: fucking Al Davis' wife
  • 2004: Moves the team back to L.A. for a few days just because he hasn't done anything dickish in a while

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