adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Looming NFL Referee Strike

With contract negotiations failing and the league announcing plans to hire replacement officials, the NFL Referees Association may soon go on strike. We boil down the major sticking points of both sides.

  • Referees allege the NFL has covered up the long-term health risks of blowing whistles
  • NFL has declined referee's repeated requests to once and for all please explain to them in simple language exactly what is and is not pass interference
  • Refs have filed a $1.5 million defamation of character suit against league's replay booths, which they claim undermine their authority by constantly contradicting their decisions
  • NFL would require every ref to be as ripped as that hunky muscleman Ed Hochuli
  • Refs want to be permitted to join in when players do a touchdown dance
  • NFL won't guarantee that no official will ever have to share field with Jay Cutler more than once a season
  • Refs want fully furnished three-bedroom apartment from which they can comfortably watch the game instead of exposing themselves to harm on the field
  • NFL has demanded legally binding written guarantee that officials will never get anything wrong ever again

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close