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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...
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The Looming NFL Referee Strike

With contract negotiations failing and the league announcing plans to hire replacement officials, the NFL Referees Association may soon go on strike. We boil down the major sticking points of both sides.

  • Referees allege the NFL has covered up the long-term health risks of blowing whistles
  • NFL has declined referee's repeated requests to once and for all please explain to them in simple language exactly what is and is not pass interference
  • Refs have filed a $1.5 million defamation of character suit against league's replay booths, which they claim undermine their authority by constantly contradicting their decisions
  • NFL would require every ref to be as ripped as that hunky muscleman Ed Hochuli
  • Refs want to be permitted to join in when players do a touchdown dance
  • NFL won't guarantee that no official will ever have to share field with Jay Cutler more than once a season
  • Refs want fully furnished three-bedroom apartment from which they can comfortably watch the game instead of exposing themselves to harm on the field
  • NFL has demanded legally binding written guarantee that officials will never get anything wrong ever again

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