The Looming NFL Referee Strike

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Vol 48 Issue 24

U.S. Improves Infrastructure With Transnational Power Strip

WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort aimed at overhauling the nation's aging infrastructure, the United States on Sunday unveiled a 3,000-mile transnational power strip, which officials said would provide Americans with 126 billion new electrical outlets...

American Under-Preppers

National Geographic 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 9.m. CST Ted buys some balsa wood that's on special; Amy skims instructions on how to can food; Nate's guessed his covered swimming pool would shelter his family from the more lethal parts of nuclear fallout.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Late Night

The Looming NFL Referee Strike

With contract negotiations failing and the league announcing plans to hire replacement officials, the NFL Referees Association may soon go on strike. We boil down the major sticking points of both sides.

  • Referees allege the NFL has covered up the long-term health risks of blowing whistles
  • NFL has declined referee's repeated requests to once and for all please explain to them in simple language exactly what is and is not pass interference
  • Refs have filed a $1.5 million defamation of character suit against league's replay booths, which they claim undermine their authority by constantly contradicting their decisions
  • NFL would require every ref to be as ripped as that hunky muscleman Ed Hochuli
  • Refs want to be permitted to join in when players do a touchdown dance
  • NFL won't guarantee that no official will ever have to share field with Jay Cutler more than once a season
  • Refs want fully furnished three-bedroom apartment from which they can comfortably watch the game instead of exposing themselves to harm on the field
  • NFL has demanded legally binding written guarantee that officials will never get anything wrong ever again
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