LUBBOCK, TX–Bruce Kucharsky, 29, a bouncer at the Come Back Inn, announced Monday that this is "absolutely the last time" he is cleaning up vomit. "This is it," said Kucharsky, mopping up a chunky, peach-hued puddle near the pool table. "I'll clean up the puke this time, but next time, they're gonna find somebody else, or I quit. I ain't no fucking janitor." In his four months as a bouncer at the bar, Kucharsky estimated he has "wiped up chunder, like, at least 300 times."
ROCKFORD, IL–Stopping at a local Days Inn Tuesday, traveler Dan Peterson, 27, was delighted to discover that the motel featured the premium channel HBO until he checked the night's programming listings. "Aw, man, not Summer Catch," said Peterson, as he browsed the cable guide. "Then it's back-to-back episodes of Tracey Takes On at 11, followed by The Mexican at midnight and Ghosts Of Mars at 2 a.m. Fuck." Peterson spent the evening reading the room's complimentary copy of See Rockford! and sucking on ice cubes.
Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person.
Well, it's been a long, hard road, but I'm finally almost finished with Cosmysticism, the new religion I've been working on for the past year or so. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of how it's turned out. It's a delicate blend of love and wrath, mystery and science, history and fantasy. I have some compelling characters, a universal creation myth, and a great ascension-of-man second act. Now all I need is some sort of snazzy post-death scenario to really put the cherry on top.
NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great large amount of tail" during the first two weeks of his three-month tour of the U.S.
LAKE OSWEGO, OR–Despite participants' hopes of unloading useless, long-shelved items for profit, Oakdale Court's five-family yard sale last weekend was dominated by the transfer of items from one table to another.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
MOBILE, AL—Saying that the program's flashing lights and rapid-fire question-and-answer rounds were unlike anything previously known to humanity, 24-year-old Adam Green told reporters Friday that he had found his parents watching an entirely undisco...
WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...