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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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The Most Boring Records In Sports

When the Titans found themselves unable to score on eight different possessions last Sunday, Tennessee placekicker Rob Bironas was able to break the NFL field-goal record. In honor of his achievement, Onion Sports presents other less-than-thrilling sporting milestones:

1976: Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Jimmie Sims records an amazing 14 missed tackles during a single play

1980: Iowan Roy Fitchellis becomes only the 783,994,603rd man to bowl a perfect game

1986: With his 86.74-meter effort, Yuriy Sedykh sets the world record in the hammer toss

1988: Green Bay Packers running back Brent Fullwood recovers nine of his own fumbles in one game

1990: Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doug Drabek becomes the first pitcher to throw four innings with a mustache and four innings without a mustache

1997: Dennis Rodman sets the record for most publicity stunts during a championship season with 13, including a tell-all book and a marriage

2003: Hillary Bernard breaks the record for pitches in a friendly softball game at-bat by throwing 19 crappy pitches in a row, ticking off her friends, and extending an already painful game

2005: Punter Jeff Feagles kicks a record-breaking 1,402nd punt, then celebrates by taking a shower, dressing in his street clothes, and going home to his wife and children

2007: Adam Dunn ties the record for most singles in an at-bat with one

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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