The Most Boring Records In Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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The Most Boring Records In Sports

When the Titans found themselves unable to score on eight different possessions last Sunday, Tennessee placekicker Rob Bironas was able to break the NFL field-goal record. In honor of his achievement, Onion Sports presents other less-than-thrilling sporting milestones:

1976: Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Jimmie Sims records an amazing 14 missed tackles during a single play

1980: Iowan Roy Fitchellis becomes only the 783,994,603rd man to bowl a perfect game

1986: With his 86.74-meter effort, Yuriy Sedykh sets the world record in the hammer toss

1988: Green Bay Packers running back Brent Fullwood recovers nine of his own fumbles in one game

1990: Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doug Drabek becomes the first pitcher to throw four innings with a mustache and four innings without a mustache

1997: Dennis Rodman sets the record for most publicity stunts during a championship season with 13, including a tell-all book and a marriage

2003: Hillary Bernard breaks the record for pitches in a friendly softball game at-bat by throwing 19 crappy pitches in a row, ticking off her friends, and extending an already painful game

2005: Punter Jeff Feagles kicks a record-breaking 1,402nd punt, then celebrates by taking a shower, dressing in his street clothes, and going home to his wife and children

2007: Adam Dunn ties the record for most singles in an at-bat with one


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