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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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The Most Boring Records In Sports

When the Titans found themselves unable to score on eight different possessions last Sunday, Tennessee placekicker Rob Bironas was able to break the NFL field-goal record. In honor of his achievement, Onion Sports presents other less-than-thrilling sporting milestones:

1976: Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Jimmie Sims records an amazing 14 missed tackles during a single play

1980: Iowan Roy Fitchellis becomes only the 783,994,603rd man to bowl a perfect game

1986: With his 86.74-meter effort, Yuriy Sedykh sets the world record in the hammer toss

1988: Green Bay Packers running back Brent Fullwood recovers nine of his own fumbles in one game

1990: Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doug Drabek becomes the first pitcher to throw four innings with a mustache and four innings without a mustache

1997: Dennis Rodman sets the record for most publicity stunts during a championship season with 13, including a tell-all book and a marriage

2003: Hillary Bernard breaks the record for pitches in a friendly softball game at-bat by throwing 19 crappy pitches in a row, ticking off her friends, and extending an already painful game

2005: Punter Jeff Feagles kicks a record-breaking 1,402nd punt, then celebrates by taking a shower, dressing in his street clothes, and going home to his wife and children

2007: Adam Dunn ties the record for most singles in an at-bat with one

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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