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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The Most Boring Records In Sports

When the Titans found themselves unable to score on eight different possessions last Sunday, Tennessee placekicker Rob Bironas was able to break the NFL field-goal record. In honor of his achievement, Onion Sports presents other less-than-thrilling sporting milestones:

1976: Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Jimmie Sims records an amazing 14 missed tackles during a single play

1980: Iowan Roy Fitchellis becomes only the 783,994,603rd man to bowl a perfect game

1986: With his 86.74-meter effort, Yuriy Sedykh sets the world record in the hammer toss

1988: Green Bay Packers running back Brent Fullwood recovers nine of his own fumbles in one game

1990: Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doug Drabek becomes the first pitcher to throw four innings with a mustache and four innings without a mustache

1997: Dennis Rodman sets the record for most publicity stunts during a championship season with 13, including a tell-all book and a marriage

2003: Hillary Bernard breaks the record for pitches in a friendly softball game at-bat by throwing 19 crappy pitches in a row, ticking off her friends, and extending an already painful game

2005: Punter Jeff Feagles kicks a record-breaking 1,402nd punt, then celebrates by taking a shower, dressing in his street clothes, and going home to his wife and children

2007: Adam Dunn ties the record for most singles in an at-bat with one

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