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The New American Gladiators

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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The New American Gladiators

NBC has revived the muscle-bound competitive game show American Gladiators for a new generation. Onion Sports looks at what's new in this remake of an old favorite:

In a new twist, contenders are now doused with gasoline and lit on fire before each event

The new "Eliminator" obstacle course features eight-foot walls, 20 feet of burning water, and 30 models holding briefcases full of money

Boldly-printed steroid policy

New event called "Football" clearly just a game of football

Debut of "Mental Gauntlet" challenge, which pits contestants against Hellga in a game of Scrabble

The "Uproar" event, which is really just contestants trying to yell louder than Gladiators

15,000% increase in utterances of the word "Brother" per episode

The "Assault" game now features foam-covered IEDs on course

The unique competitive talents of "Sonar," the Gladiator whose other senses should more than compensate for him being blind since birth

"Joust" event still pretty cool

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