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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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The New Kindle

Having sold out of its popular e-book reader Kindle last fall, Amazon is now releasing an updated version of the device. Here are some of the features and improvements of the new Kindle:

New bookmark feature allows you to save your page instead of starting from the beginning every time you open it

A lot fewer dangling wires

"Like/As" button converts all cumbersome metaphors into easy-to-read similes

Streaming functionality allows user to read latest Nora Roberts novel in real-time as the author writes it

Chic white eyebuds allow user to view the Kindle display privately

"Get to the Good Stuff" application skips right to the first mention of the word "heaving"

New feature allows one to make a so-called mix book of favorite chapters for girlfriend

Unlike first version, is not just a hollow box with a clear plastic window that you insert books into

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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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