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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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The New Kindle

Having sold out of its popular e-book reader Kindle last fall, Amazon is now releasing an updated version of the device. Here are some of the features and improvements of the new Kindle:

New bookmark feature allows you to save your page instead of starting from the beginning every time you open it

A lot fewer dangling wires

"Like/As" button converts all cumbersome metaphors into easy-to-read similes

Streaming functionality allows user to read latest Nora Roberts novel in real-time as the author writes it

Chic white eyebuds allow user to view the Kindle display privately

"Get to the Good Stuff" application skips right to the first mention of the word "heaving"

New feature allows one to make a so-called mix book of favorite chapters for girlfriend

Unlike first version, is not just a hollow box with a clear plastic window that you insert books into

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