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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The New Kindle

Having sold out of its popular e-book reader Kindle last fall, Amazon is now releasing an updated version of the device. Here are some of the features and improvements of the new Kindle:

New bookmark feature allows you to save your page instead of starting from the beginning every time you open it

A lot fewer dangling wires

"Like/As" button converts all cumbersome metaphors into easy-to-read similes

Streaming functionality allows user to read latest Nora Roberts novel in real-time as the author writes it

Chic white eyebuds allow user to view the Kindle display privately

"Get to the Good Stuff" application skips right to the first mention of the word "heaving"

New feature allows one to make a so-called mix book of favorite chapters for girlfriend

Unlike first version, is not just a hollow box with a clear plastic window that you insert books into

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