WASHINGTON—Having failed to prevent Donald Trump from securing their party’s presidential nomination despite a deliberate and concerted effort, members of the Republican establishment admitted being quietly relieved Thursday that the GOP was no longer their responsibility.
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway.
GAHANNA, OH—Talking about how fun it will be to “hang out like old times,” local 13-year-old Joey Watkins expressed excitement Thursday upon learning his older brother, who in the current job market has found no prospects for employment, has no choice but to move back home after college.
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Expressing their excitement to share the historic item with visitors, Kennedy Space Center officials confirmed Thursday that the suit worn by Buzz Aldrin on February 24, 2015 when he lobbied the Senate to increase NASA funding was now on display for public viewing.
CHICAGO—Following the 21-year-old linebacker’s selection in the sixth round, reports confirmed Thursday that the conclusion of the 2016 NFL Draft marked the final time that linebacker Lawrence Davies’ character will ever be scrutinized by his new head coach.
TICONDEROGA, NY—Explaining that there is simply no way of getting around it, Fort Ticonderoga guide Peter McGillion told reporters Wednesday he now builds at least 10 additional minutes into each of his tours for everyone in the group to mount one of the historical site’s cannons like a horse.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday they were kind of hoping for a different outcome when so many concerned citizens came together to make their voices heard.
WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
TAL AFAR, IRAQ—Admitting it had stopped counting after the first dozen or so occasions upon which it passed from one fighting force to another, an American-made M4 carbine assault rifle confirmed Wednesday it was losing track of how many times it had switched sides during the ongoing war in Iraq.
HOUSTON—Gathering to celebrate a milestone that many throughout the country had long eagerly awaited, an estimated 150,000 cheering citizens packed into a public park in downtown Houston Wednesday night to hear Ted Cruz confirm his campaign for president of the United States was over, sources reported.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Strolling past vendors selling local produce, meats, baked goods, and more, married couple Reese and Beth Shaw spent their morning at the farmers market stating the names of all the things that entered their field of vision, witnesses confirmed Sunday.
INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.
KNOXVILLE, TN—Admitting they were at a total loss to understand or explain the bizarre behavior, acquaintances of local woman Katie Hamblin told reporters Friday that the 27-year-old seems to derive some sort of sick, twisted pleasure from her healthy new diet and lifestyle.
LONDONーShortly after Leicester City’s improbable title run culminated in the club clinching their first championship, executives from the Premier League issued a statement Sunday vowing that order will soon be restored.
LEICESTER, ENGLAND—In anticipation of the club’s first-ever top-flight league championship in its 132-year history, officials from the Leicestershire Police announced Monday that they have deployed additional forces in order to join in with Leicester City fans celebrating their Premier League title.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
ALBANY, GA—Explaining that she felt relaxed and had a renewed sense of focus, local account manager Kayla Eggert told reporters Monday that she had returned to work from her recent vacation completely refreshed and ready to waste time.
BROKEN ARROW, OK—Admitting it had no idea what it was supposed to do with the dozens of preservatives and flavor enhancers, the stomach of local man Shawn Harper reportedly set aside the synthetic additives that the 33-year-old consumed during lunch Thursday until it had a few minutes to figure out how to properly digest them.