JACKSONVILLE, FL–Remarking, "Oh, I love hippos!" upon receiving a birthday gift of a porcelain hippopotamus, area resident Karen Voldstead doomed herself to a lifetime of hippo-themed gifts Monday. "I don't even know why I said it," said Voldstead, 24, shortly after receiving the small statuette from a coworker. "I don't especially like hippos. I guess I was just trying to find something nice to say since I didn't really like it." The next day at work, Volstead received several "belated" birthday gifts, including a stuffed hippo, a rollerskating-hippo coffee mug, and a hippo-shaped doorstop.
YORBA LINDA, CA–In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday. Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.
BETHESDA, MD–In a groundbreaking six-hour operation Monday, doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital successfully restored President Clinton's eyesight. "The first thing Clinton saw when the bandages were removed was the face of his beloved daughter Chelsea," Bethesda ocular surgeon Kenneth Blaine told reporters. Chelsea had been sitting patiently for hours, waiting for him to wake so all could find out whether the highly experimental procedure had been successful. "The president shed a tear, saying that his 'little girl' has grown into a beautiful young woman.'" Clinton aides said he plans to step down from the presidency to return to his figure-skating career.
A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.
TOPEKA, KS—Expressing dismay at his shockingly coldblooded behavior, sources confirmed that local man and heartless monster Ethan McKenzie, 34, walked out of local small business Hearthstone Artisan Goods on Tuesday without purchasing anything.