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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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The NFL’s Top 10 Coaches

With the NFL season finally underway, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the league’s best coaches.

10. Dennis Allen: With Allen, always expect the unexpected, be it losing a game by 21 points or squeaking out a close 3-point defeat

9. Jim Schwartz: No one has done less with more

8. Gary Kubiak: Has transformed the Texans from a total laughing stock to a perennial playoff disappointment

7. Marvin Lewis: Known around the league as the best at coaching players through their testimonies

6. Chip Kelly: His spread offense is so highly touted that all the Eagles’ opponents have already conceded defeat

5. John Fox: Coached no-name journeyman quarterback Peyton Manning into a star last year

4. Jeff Fisher: One year into his tenure with the Rams, appears poised to step out of Steve Spagnuolo’s shadow

3. John Harbaugh: Coming off a memorable Super Bowl run, there’s no reason why Harbaugh can’t guide the Ravens to another 10-6 season this year

2. Joe DeCamillis: A gifted special teams coordinator who somehow stays modest despite constant comparisons to all-time greats like Frank Grump and Boils Handeman

1. Bill Belichick: Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. (Rev 12:12)

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