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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best cornerbacks.

10. Patrick Peterson: Large physical corner with blazing speed who should have been ranked in the top three, but the intern fucked up and now we’ll never hear the end of it from bitchy know-it-alls

9. Cortland Finnegan: Since following head coach Jeff Fisher from the Titans to the Rams in 2012, Finnegan has proven that he’s still among the league’s best at being a dirty, piece-of-shit cheap-shot artist

8. DeAngelo Hall: Has an amazing knack for gaining separation from a receiver

7. Janoris Jenkins: Surprised critics in his rookie season when he finished with 73 tackles, 14 pass defenses, and zero drug arrests

6. Champ Bailey: We’ve heard he’s good; honestly, we’re not sure what the criteria for identifying a good cornerback is exactly

5. Johnathan Joseph: The Texans cornerback is feared around the league for his fierce backpedal

4. Tim Jennings: Jennings had a league-high nine interceptions last year, though he ultimately hurt his team as each one resulted in the Bears’ offense getting the ball

3. Antonio Cromartie: Relies on excellent size, speed, and explosiveness to fertilize ovum

2. Darrelle Revis: Year after year, Revis is the only player on this list you’ve heard of

1. Richard Sherman: Raised eyebrows this offseason when he declared himself the best cornerback in the league, but he's a professional football player, so he would probably be the go-to authority on this kind of thing

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