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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best cornerbacks.

10. Patrick Peterson: Large physical corner with blazing speed who should have been ranked in the top three, but the intern fucked up and now we’ll never hear the end of it from bitchy know-it-alls

9. Cortland Finnegan: Since following head coach Jeff Fisher from the Titans to the Rams in 2012, Finnegan has proven that he’s still among the league’s best at being a dirty, piece-of-shit cheap-shot artist

8. DeAngelo Hall: Has an amazing knack for gaining separation from a receiver

7. Janoris Jenkins: Surprised critics in his rookie season when he finished with 73 tackles, 14 pass defenses, and zero drug arrests

6. Champ Bailey: We’ve heard he’s good; honestly, we’re not sure what the criteria for identifying a good cornerback is exactly

5. Johnathan Joseph: The Texans cornerback is feared around the league for his fierce backpedal

4. Tim Jennings: Jennings had a league-high nine interceptions last year, though he ultimately hurt his team as each one resulted in the Bears’ offense getting the ball

3. Antonio Cromartie: Relies on excellent size, speed, and explosiveness to fertilize ovum

2. Darrelle Revis: Year after year, Revis is the only player on this list you’ve heard of

1. Richard Sherman: Raised eyebrows this offseason when he declared himself the best cornerback in the league, but he's a professional football player, so he would probably be the go-to authority on this kind of thing

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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