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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best cornerbacks.

10. Patrick Peterson: Large physical corner with blazing speed who should have been ranked in the top three, but the intern fucked up and now we’ll never hear the end of it from bitchy know-it-alls

9. Cortland Finnegan: Since following head coach Jeff Fisher from the Titans to the Rams in 2012, Finnegan has proven that he’s still among the league’s best at being a dirty, piece-of-shit cheap-shot artist

8. DeAngelo Hall: Has an amazing knack for gaining separation from a receiver

7. Janoris Jenkins: Surprised critics in his rookie season when he finished with 73 tackles, 14 pass defenses, and zero drug arrests

6. Champ Bailey: We’ve heard he’s good; honestly, we’re not sure what the criteria for identifying a good cornerback is exactly

5. Johnathan Joseph: The Texans cornerback is feared around the league for his fierce backpedal

4. Tim Jennings: Jennings had a league-high nine interceptions last year, though he ultimately hurt his team as each one resulted in the Bears’ offense getting the ball

3. Antonio Cromartie: Relies on excellent size, speed, and explosiveness to fertilize ovum

2. Darrelle Revis: Year after year, Revis is the only player on this list you’ve heard of

1. Richard Sherman: Raised eyebrows this offseason when he declared himself the best cornerback in the league, but he's a professional football player, so he would probably be the go-to authority on this kind of thing

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