The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Innovation

The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. We begin with a helpful guide to the league’s best quarterbacks.

10: Mark Ryan: After a monstrous season in 2012, the Falcons quarterback is finally getting the respect that he deserves

9: Robert Griffin III: As Cam Newton and Mark Sanchez have both proven in recent years, one solid season as a rookie quarterback all but guarantees years of uninterrupted success in the NFL

8: 2005 Carson Palmer: Only the laws of nature stand in the way of 2005 Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald forming one of the league’s premiere aerial combos for the Cardinals this year

7: Joe Flacco: The reigning Super Bowl MVP can finally come into his own this year without Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Bernard Pollard, Paul Kruger, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Matt Birk holding him back

6: Eli Manning: Really started showing some promise when he won his second Super Bowl

5: Drew Brees: The Saints’ franchise quarterback appears as motivated as ever to put his personal quest for passing records ahead of his team

4: Christian Ponder: With an amazingly powerful arm, great vision, stunning accuracy, and countless dominant performances during big games, the Vikings quarterback has already proven that fact-checking has really gone downhill in this country

3: Tom Brady: Unique ability to make everyone around him better, but only during football games, not as human beings

2: Aaron Rodgers: Possesses the remarkable capacity to transform even the smallest slight into an MVP season

1: Peyton Manning: He’s been standing over our shoulder for the past 15 minutes, saying only “I should be higher on this list”

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