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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. We begin with a helpful guide to the league’s best quarterbacks.

10: Mark Ryan: After a monstrous season in 2012, the Falcons quarterback is finally getting the respect that he deserves

9: Robert Griffin III: As Cam Newton and Mark Sanchez have both proven in recent years, one solid season as a rookie quarterback all but guarantees years of uninterrupted success in the NFL

8: 2005 Carson Palmer: Only the laws of nature stand in the way of 2005 Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald forming one of the league’s premiere aerial combos for the Cardinals this year

7: Joe Flacco: The reigning Super Bowl MVP can finally come into his own this year without Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Bernard Pollard, Paul Kruger, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Matt Birk holding him back

6: Eli Manning: Really started showing some promise when he won his second Super Bowl

5: Drew Brees: The Saints’ franchise quarterback appears as motivated as ever to put his personal quest for passing records ahead of his team

4: Christian Ponder: With an amazingly powerful arm, great vision, stunning accuracy, and countless dominant performances during big games, the Vikings quarterback has already proven that fact-checking has really gone downhill in this country

3: Tom Brady: Unique ability to make everyone around him better, but only during football games, not as human beings

2: Aaron Rodgers: Possesses the remarkable capacity to transform even the smallest slight into an MVP season

1: Peyton Manning: He’s been standing over our shoulder for the past 15 minutes, saying only “I should be higher on this list”

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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