The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. We begin with a helpful guide to the league’s best quarterbacks.

10: Mark Ryan: After a monstrous season in 2012, the Falcons quarterback is finally getting the respect that he deserves

9: Robert Griffin III: As Cam Newton and Mark Sanchez have both proven in recent years, one solid season as a rookie quarterback all but guarantees years of uninterrupted success in the NFL

8: 2005 Carson Palmer: Only the laws of nature stand in the way of 2005 Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald forming one of the league’s premiere aerial combos for the Cardinals this year

7: Joe Flacco: The reigning Super Bowl MVP can finally come into his own this year without Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Bernard Pollard, Paul Kruger, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Matt Birk holding him back

6: Eli Manning: Really started showing some promise when he won his second Super Bowl

5: Drew Brees: The Saints’ franchise quarterback appears as motivated as ever to put his personal quest for passing records ahead of his team

4: Christian Ponder: With an amazingly powerful arm, great vision, stunning accuracy, and countless dominant performances during big games, the Vikings quarterback has already proven that fact-checking has really gone downhill in this country

3: Tom Brady: Unique ability to make everyone around him better, but only during football games, not as human beings

2: Aaron Rodgers: Possesses the remarkable capacity to transform even the smallest slight into an MVP season

1: Peyton Manning: He’s been standing over our shoulder for the past 15 minutes, saying only “I should be higher on this list”


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