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Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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The NFL’s Top 10 Running Backs

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best running backs.

10. DeMarco Murray: Onion Sports felt obligated to put a player from the Cowboys on this list so whiny fans in Dallas will stop complaining

9. Reggie Bush: Has all the good qualities you look for in a running back and yet, alas, how true that many perfect parts may form an imperfect, unsettling whole

8. Michael Vick: The talented Philadelphia tailback is expected to utilize some trick throwing plays in Chip Kelly’s new offense

7. Frank Gore: Coming off a season in which he racked up 259 carries for 1,212 yards, Gore seems poised to rack up 259 carries for 1,212 yards

6. Maurice Jones-Drew: Dominates the backfield with a mixture of athleticism and explosive speed that he hopes will be enough to help him break free from any contract

5. C.J. Spiller: In prime position to ride Kevin Kolb’s futility all season long

4. Trent Richardson: After an impressive rookie season for the Browns, don’t be surprised if this year he breaks out for over 1,000 completely wasted yards

3. Ray Rice: Quick feet and small stature should allow him to blow through the new vacancies in the Ravens’ offensive line

2. Arian Foster: Tough running back who proved doubters wrong that he wasn’t durable enough to handle the punishing disappointment of playing for the Texans

1. Adrian Peterson: Stiff-arm has dramatically improved since he began using the hand not carrying the ball

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