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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The NFL’s Top 10 Wide Receivers

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best wide receivers.

10. Dez Bryant: Say what you will about his off-the-field problems, but Dez Bryant has serious psychological issues stemming from his childhood that need to be addressed in professional counseling

9. Randall Cobb: As the Packers’ new number-one receiver, Cobb will have approximately 0.4 seconds after every snap to get open before Aaron Rodgers is sacked

8. Anquan Boldin: Still the league’s best possession receiver, but the new 49ers wideout may struggle getting used to receiving well-thrown passes directly in his stride

7. Brandon Marshall: With his impressive physicality and soft hands, expect Marshall to catch a good portion of Jay Cutler’s criticism this season

6. Wes Welker: All he has to do is connect with Peyton Manning for a touchdown against the Patriots in Foxborough so we can see Tom Brady’s reaction. That’s it. That’s all we care about.

5. A.J. Green: With his expert route-running and ability to create separation wherever he goes, expect Green to be in the perfect position to grasp helplessly for dozens of Andy Dalton’s overthrown passes

4. Julio Jones: Lived in the weight room this summer, so he’s extra motivated to earn performance bonuses to finally be able to buy or rent a house

3. Andre Johnson: Johnson is once again expected to have an outstanding season that ultimately means nothing

2. Larry Fitzgerald: Following his underwhelming 2012 season, Fitzgerald is hoping to come back in a big way thanks to the Cardinals’ addition of … Carson Palmer? Oh, man, he’s fucked

1. Calvin Johnson: With his size, speed, and tremendous athleticism, Lions fans can expect Johnson to carry their team tantalizingly close to the playoffs this year

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