The NFL’s Top 10 Wide Receivers

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Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
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The NFL’s Top 10 Wide Receivers

With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best wide receivers.

10. Dez Bryant: Say what you will about his off-the-field problems, but Dez Bryant has serious psychological issues stemming from his childhood that need to be addressed in professional counseling

9. Randall Cobb: As the Packers’ new number-one receiver, Cobb will have approximately 0.4 seconds after every snap to get open before Aaron Rodgers is sacked

8. Anquan Boldin: Still the league’s best possession receiver, but the new 49ers wideout may struggle getting used to receiving well-thrown passes directly in his stride

7. Brandon Marshall: With his impressive physicality and soft hands, expect Marshall to catch a good portion of Jay Cutler’s criticism this season

6. Wes Welker: All he has to do is connect with Peyton Manning for a touchdown against the Patriots in Foxborough so we can see Tom Brady’s reaction. That’s it. That’s all we care about.

5. A.J. Green: With his expert route-running and ability to create separation wherever he goes, expect Green to be in the perfect position to grasp helplessly for dozens of Andy Dalton’s overthrown passes

4. Julio Jones: Lived in the weight room this summer, so he’s extra motivated to earn performance bonuses to finally be able to buy or rent a house

3. Andre Johnson: Johnson is once again expected to have an outstanding season that ultimately means nothing

2. Larry Fitzgerald: Following his underwhelming 2012 season, Fitzgerald is hoping to come back in a big way thanks to the Cardinals’ addition of … Carson Palmer? Oh, man, he’s fucked

1. Calvin Johnson: With his size, speed, and tremendous athleticism, Lions fans can expect Johnson to carry their team tantalizingly close to the playoffs this year

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