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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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The Ones We Lost

  • Marking the culmination of a decades-old spat over housing subsidies, Sens. Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens died almost simultaneously on the Senate floor, the lead balls from their dueling pistols hitting them squarely in the liver and forehead, respectively.
  • Publishing magnate Bob Guccione died of cancer on Oct. 20. He was laid to rest several days later following a soft-lit, full-frontal open-casket funeral service.

  • Historian Howard Zinn passed away at 87. His A People's History Of The United States influenced several generations of students who read about the work in their more authoritative and thorough AP U.S. History textbooks.

  • Dennis Hopper died of complications from prostate cancer, but not before completing his fifth and best divorce, an acrimonious, bitter proceeding that ended a brilliant career of fighting with wives over property.

  • Dixie Carter died? Oh, my God. I had no idea.

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