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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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The Ones We Lost

  • Marking the culmination of a decades-old spat over housing subsidies, Sens. Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens died almost simultaneously on the Senate floor, the lead balls from their dueling pistols hitting them squarely in the liver and forehead, respectively.
  • Publishing magnate Bob Guccione died of cancer on Oct. 20. He was laid to rest several days later following a soft-lit, full-frontal open-casket funeral service.

  • Historian Howard Zinn passed away at 87. His A People's History Of The United States influenced several generations of students who read about the work in their more authoritative and thorough AP U.S. History textbooks.

  • Dennis Hopper died of complications from prostate cancer, but not before completing his fifth and best divorce, an acrimonious, bitter proceeding that ended a brilliant career of fighting with wives over property.

  • Dixie Carter died? Oh, my God. I had no idea.

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