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The Ones We Lost

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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The Ones We Lost

  • Marking the culmination of a decades-old spat over housing subsidies, Sens. Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens died almost simultaneously on the Senate floor, the lead balls from their dueling pistols hitting them squarely in the liver and forehead, respectively.
  • Publishing magnate Bob Guccione died of cancer on Oct. 20. He was laid to rest several days later following a soft-lit, full-frontal open-casket funeral service.

  • Historian Howard Zinn passed away at 87. His A People's History Of The United States influenced several generations of students who read about the work in their more authoritative and thorough AP U.S. History textbooks.

  • Dennis Hopper died of complications from prostate cancer, but not before completing his fifth and best divorce, an acrimonious, bitter proceeding that ended a brilliant career of fighting with wives over property.

  • Dixie Carter died? Oh, my God. I had no idea.

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