The Ones We Lost

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The Ones We Lost

  • Marking the culmination of a decades-old spat over housing subsidies, Sens. Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens died almost simultaneously on the Senate floor, the lead balls from their dueling pistols hitting them squarely in the liver and forehead, respectively.
  • Publishing magnate Bob Guccione died of cancer on Oct. 20. He was laid to rest several days later following a soft-lit, full-frontal open-casket funeral service.

  • Historian Howard Zinn passed away at 87. His A People's History Of The United States influenced several generations of students who read about the work in their more authoritative and thorough AP U.S. History textbooks.

  • Dennis Hopper died of complications from prostate cancer, but not before completing his fifth and best divorce, an acrimonious, bitter proceeding that ended a brilliant career of fighting with wives over property.

  • Dixie Carter died? Oh, my God. I had no idea.