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The Ones We Lost

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

The Ones We Lost

  • Marking the culmination of a decades-old spat over housing subsidies, Sens. Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens died almost simultaneously on the Senate floor, the lead balls from their dueling pistols hitting them squarely in the liver and forehead, respectively.
  • Publishing magnate Bob Guccione died of cancer on Oct. 20. He was laid to rest several days later following a soft-lit, full-frontal open-casket funeral service.

  • Historian Howard Zinn passed away at 87. His A People's History Of The United States influenced several generations of students who read about the work in their more authoritative and thorough AP U.S. History textbooks.

  • Dennis Hopper died of complications from prostate cancer, but not before completing his fifth and best divorce, an acrimonious, bitter proceeding that ended a brilliant career of fighting with wives over property.

  • Dixie Carter died? Oh, my God. I had no idea.

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