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The Ones We Lost

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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The Ones We Lost

Some of the world's most beloved people have died over the past 4.5 billion years. Here are a few:

Medieval peasant Hadriel Rolfe passed away on Mar. 7, 1163, after repeated amputations failed to stop the bleeding.

Cro-Magnon Grok, 20, drowned in a river in 24,900 B.C. after a failed attempt to eat his own reflection.

Well-respected London surgeon Edmund Thompson passed away at home having successfully gone through life without anyone ever finding out he was Jack the Ripper.

Marie Curie, bless her heart, died from illnesses contracted during a cute little scientific career that was instrumental in the eventual discovery of the microwave oven.

Jesus of Nazareth, 33, was a gentle soul who enjoyed forgiveness, performing miracles, and dying for the sins of mankind. He is survived by Jesus Christ.

Fluffy Jones, 8, a good cat who deserved so much better than an old shoe box in the backyard.

Djedefre, pharaoh of Egypt's Fourth Dynasty and a great proponent of geometric architecture and reed-boating, died at 32 after a sudden onset of alligators. He left a wife, Djekshetsut, and two daughters, Djennifer and Djulie.

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