The Ones We Lost

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

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The Ones We Lost

Some of the world's most beloved people have died over the past 4.5 billion years. Here are a few:

Medieval peasant Hadriel Rolfe passed away on Mar. 7, 1163, after repeated amputations failed to stop the bleeding.

Cro-Magnon Grok, 20, drowned in a river in 24,900 B.C. after a failed attempt to eat his own reflection.

Well-respected London surgeon Edmund Thompson passed away at home having successfully gone through life without anyone ever finding out he was Jack the Ripper.

Marie Curie, bless her heart, died from illnesses contracted during a cute little scientific career that was instrumental in the eventual discovery of the microwave oven.

Jesus of Nazareth, 33, was a gentle soul who enjoyed forgiveness, performing miracles, and dying for the sins of mankind. He is survived by Jesus Christ.

Fluffy Jones, 8, a good cat who deserved so much better than an old shoe box in the backyard.

Djedefre, pharaoh of Egypt's Fourth Dynasty and a great proponent of geometric architecture and reed-boating, died at 32 after a sudden onset of alligators. He left a wife, Djekshetsut, and two daughters, Djennifer and Djulie.