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The Ones We Lost

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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The Ones We Lost

Some of the world's most beloved people have died over the past 4.5 billion years. Here are a few:

Medieval peasant Hadriel Rolfe passed away on Mar. 7, 1163, after repeated amputations failed to stop the bleeding.

Cro-Magnon Grok, 20, drowned in a river in 24,900 B.C. after a failed attempt to eat his own reflection.

Well-respected London surgeon Edmund Thompson passed away at home having successfully gone through life without anyone ever finding out he was Jack the Ripper.

Marie Curie, bless her heart, died from illnesses contracted during a cute little scientific career that was instrumental in the eventual discovery of the microwave oven.

Jesus of Nazareth, 33, was a gentle soul who enjoyed forgiveness, performing miracles, and dying for the sins of mankind. He is survived by Jesus Christ.

Fluffy Jones, 8, a good cat who deserved so much better than an old shoe box in the backyard.

Djedefre, pharaoh of Egypt's Fourth Dynasty and a great proponent of geometric architecture and reed-boating, died at 32 after a sudden onset of alligators. He left a wife, Djekshetsut, and two daughters, Djennifer and Djulie.

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