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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout

Any hope for the 2011 NBA season may soon disappear in a confusing morass of mutual greed, antitrust litigation, and David Stern's uselessness. Onion Sports breaks down the key points and what they mean for the fans:

  • Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are now legally obligated to find something else not to be the champion of
  • All jammas will be without slammas for the foreseeable future
  • Despite having no obligation to do so, Knicks owner James Dolan will continue sending Eddy Curry checks out of habit
  • Until the players union reassembles, children shooting hoops in their driveway are legally prohibited from pretending to be any current NBA player
  • Although talks continue, both owners and players are expected to reject Kobe Bryant’s offer to be paid $2 billion to play an entire season by himself
  • As All-Star Weekend is now canceled, there can be no resolution of whether the league's rookies or sophomores are better by means of a single game in which everyone is trying to make cool dunks
  • That old Peja Stojakovic jersey at the Champs Sports in the mall is now 50 percent off
  • The NHL will continue to go unwatched and unloved
  • Despite disagreement on almost every issue, owners and players alike will continue to mutter “Shut up” whenever David Stern starts talking
  • Over the next few weeks, players and ownership hope to resolve issues over money while at the same time destroying the sport of basketball forever

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