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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout

Any hope for the 2011 NBA season may soon disappear in a confusing morass of mutual greed, antitrust litigation, and David Stern's uselessness. Onion Sports breaks down the key points and what they mean for the fans:

  • Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are now legally obligated to find something else not to be the champion of
  • All jammas will be without slammas for the foreseeable future
  • Despite having no obligation to do so, Knicks owner James Dolan will continue sending Eddy Curry checks out of habit
  • Until the players union reassembles, children shooting hoops in their driveway are legally prohibited from pretending to be any current NBA player
  • Although talks continue, both owners and players are expected to reject Kobe Bryant’s offer to be paid $2 billion to play an entire season by himself
  • As All-Star Weekend is now canceled, there can be no resolution of whether the league's rookies or sophomores are better by means of a single game in which everyone is trying to make cool dunks
  • That old Peja Stojakovic jersey at the Champs Sports in the mall is now 50 percent off
  • The NHL will continue to go unwatched and unloved
  • Despite disagreement on almost every issue, owners and players alike will continue to mutter “Shut up” whenever David Stern starts talking
  • Over the next few weeks, players and ownership hope to resolve issues over money while at the same time destroying the sport of basketball forever

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