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The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout

Any hope for the 2011 NBA season may soon disappear in a confusing morass of mutual greed, antitrust litigation, and David Stern's uselessness. Onion Sports breaks down the key points and what they mean for the fans:

  • Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are now legally obligated to find something else not to be the champion of
  • All jammas will be without slammas for the foreseeable future
  • Despite having no obligation to do so, Knicks owner James Dolan will continue sending Eddy Curry checks out of habit
  • Until the players union reassembles, children shooting hoops in their driveway are legally prohibited from pretending to be any current NBA player
  • Although talks continue, both owners and players are expected to reject Kobe Bryant’s offer to be paid $2 billion to play an entire season by himself
  • As All-Star Weekend is now canceled, there can be no resolution of whether the league's rookies or sophomores are better by means of a single game in which everyone is trying to make cool dunks
  • That old Peja Stojakovic jersey at the Champs Sports in the mall is now 50 percent off
  • The NHL will continue to go unwatched and unloved
  • Despite disagreement on almost every issue, owners and players alike will continue to mutter “Shut up” whenever David Stern starts talking
  • Over the next few weeks, players and ownership hope to resolve issues over money while at the same time destroying the sport of basketball forever

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