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The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

Every host wants to pull off the perfect holiday gathering with a delicious, stress-free meal that leaves friends and family happy and satisfied. Here are some helpful tips to ensure your Thanksgiving is pleasant and memorable:

  • Accommodate your vegan guests by providing a few unappetizing dishes
  • If guests bring dishes of their own, give the dog a bite first to confirm none is laced with poison
  • Invite guests to lend a hand in the preparation by periodically dropping a utensil in the kitchen, shouting an obscenity, and slamming the oven door shut
  • Instead of worrying about dirty dishes, leave them outside overnight for the raccoons to lick good and clean
  • Keep bringing out food to avoid participating in any conversations
  • I told you a thousand times to cook the stuffing in a separate dish, and now it’s all soggy. What the fuck is wrong with you?
  • Say a phrase like “Here it is!” or “It’s time, everybody!” when bringing out the turkey
  • Have children sit at a smaller table so they feel gigantic
  • Cook a dish representative of each guest’s ethnicity and then say, “This is for you,” as you hand it to them in front of everyone
  • Avoid potentially awkward situations with creative seating arrangements; for example, try putting a chair or two on top of the table and maybe one in the bathroom

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