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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

Every host wants to pull off the perfect holiday gathering with a delicious, stress-free meal that leaves friends and family happy and satisfied. Here are some helpful tips to ensure your Thanksgiving is pleasant and memorable:

  • Accommodate your vegan guests by providing a few unappetizing dishes
  • If guests bring dishes of their own, give the dog a bite first to confirm none is laced with poison
  • Invite guests to lend a hand in the preparation by periodically dropping a utensil in the kitchen, shouting an obscenity, and slamming the oven door shut
  • Instead of worrying about dirty dishes, leave them outside overnight for the raccoons to lick good and clean
  • Keep bringing out food to avoid participating in any conversations
  • I told you a thousand times to cook the stuffing in a separate dish, and now it’s all soggy. What the fuck is wrong with you?
  • Say a phrase like “Here it is!” or “It’s time, everybody!” when bringing out the turkey
  • Have children sit at a smaller table so they feel gigantic
  • Cook a dish representative of each guest’s ethnicity and then say, “This is for you,” as you hand it to them in front of everyone
  • Avoid potentially awkward situations with creative seating arrangements; for example, try putting a chair or two on top of the table and maybe one in the bathroom

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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