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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

Every host wants to pull off the perfect holiday gathering with a delicious, stress-free meal that leaves friends and family happy and satisfied. Here are some helpful tips to ensure your Thanksgiving is pleasant and memorable:

  • Accommodate your vegan guests by providing a few unappetizing dishes
  • If guests bring dishes of their own, give the dog a bite first to confirm none is laced with poison
  • Invite guests to lend a hand in the preparation by periodically dropping a utensil in the kitchen, shouting an obscenity, and slamming the oven door shut
  • Instead of worrying about dirty dishes, leave them outside overnight for the raccoons to lick good and clean
  • Keep bringing out food to avoid participating in any conversations
  • I told you a thousand times to cook the stuffing in a separate dish, and now it’s all soggy. What the fuck is wrong with you?
  • Say a phrase like “Here it is!” or “It’s time, everybody!” when bringing out the turkey
  • Have children sit at a smaller table so they feel gigantic
  • Cook a dish representative of each guest’s ethnicity and then say, “This is for you,” as you hand it to them in front of everyone
  • Avoid potentially awkward situations with creative seating arrangements; for example, try putting a chair or two on top of the table and maybe one in the bathroom

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