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The Onion’s Oscar Picks

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory. Here are The Onion’s predictions of who will take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

  • American Hustle (Best Picture): Out of the 11 or so films made this year, this one was probably the best
  • Leonardo DiCaprio (Best Actor): DiCaprio is a virtual lock for best actor as, of all the nominees in his category, he most closely resembles the Oscar statuette, which has long been the award’s singular criterion
  • Captain Phillips (Best Film Editing): Voters were blown away by the editing in this film, in which scenes and shots were arranged in chronological order, thus establishing a fluid and linear narrative
  • “Plantation Boogie” (Best Original Song): This jaunty dance number from 12 Years A Slave was just too catchy to be ignored
  • The Great Gatsby (Best Costume Design): Voters are certain to be won over by the film’s daring choice of dressing its actors in period-appropriate attire
  • Peter O’Toole (Best In Memoriam Slide): Soft competition this year virtually guarantees the Lawrence Of Arabia star his first win in his first nomination in this category
  • Bruce Dern (Best Pappy): Though competition was fierce, Dern is the favorite to win for his turn as a grizzled old codger whom you could conceivably call Ol’ Pappy
  • Dallas Buyers Club (Best Animated Feature Film): The unbelievably lifelike animations in Jean-Marc Vallée’s wrenching feature about the AIDS scare makes this film a serious contender for Oscar gold
  • We’re The Millers (Best Foreign Language Film): The Danish dub of this Jason Sudeikis–Jennifer Aniston comedy will captivate voters
  • Matthew Broderick (Best): Oscar voters and viewers alike are likely to recognize the delightful Matthew Broderick as the Best

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