The Onion’s Oscar Picks

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Vol 50 Issue 02

President Curbing NSA Spying

In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones.

Michelle Obama Turns 50

First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow night, which has been described on official invitations as an evening of “Snacks & Sips & Dancing & Dessert.” W...

Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats

In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory. Here are The Onion’s predictions of who will take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

  • American Hustle (Best Picture): Out of the 11 or so films made this year, this one was probably the best
  • Leonardo DiCaprio (Best Actor): DiCaprio is a virtual lock for best actor as, of all the nominees in his category, he most closely resembles the Oscar statuette, which has long been the award’s singular criterion
  • Captain Phillips (Best Film Editing): Voters were blown away by the editing in this film, in which scenes and shots were arranged in chronological order, thus establishing a fluid and linear narrative
  • Plantation Boogie (Best Original Song): This jaunty dance number from 12 Years A Slave was just too catchy to be ignored
  • The Great Gatsby (Best Costume Design): Voters are certain to be won over by the film’s daring choice of dressing its actors in period-appropriate attire
  • Peter O’Toole (Best In Memoriam Slide): Soft competition this year virtually guarantees the Lawrence Of Arabia star his first win in his first nomination in this category
  • Bruce Dern (Best Pappy): Though competition was fierce, Dern is the favorite to win for his turn as a grizzled old codger whom you could conceivably call Ol’ Pappy
  • Dallas Buyers Club (Best Animated Feature Film): The unbelievably lifelike animations in Jean-Marc Vallée’s wrenching feature about the AIDS scare makes this film a serious contender for Oscar gold
  • We’re The Millers (Best Foreign Language Film): The Danish dub of this Jason Sudeikis–Jennifer Aniston comedy will captivate voters
  • Matthew Broderick (Best): Oscar voters and viewers alike are likely to recognize the delightful Matthew Broderick as the Best
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