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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory. Here are The Onion’s predictions of who will take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

  • American Hustle (Best Picture): Out of the 11 or so films made this year, this one was probably the best
  • Leonardo DiCaprio (Best Actor): DiCaprio is a virtual lock for best actor as, of all the nominees in his category, he most closely resembles the Oscar statuette, which has long been the award’s singular criterion
  • Captain Phillips (Best Film Editing): Voters were blown away by the editing in this film, in which scenes and shots were arranged in chronological order, thus establishing a fluid and linear narrative
  • “Plantation Boogie” (Best Original Song): This jaunty dance number from 12 Years A Slave was just too catchy to be ignored
  • The Great Gatsby (Best Costume Design): Voters are certain to be won over by the film’s daring choice of dressing its actors in period-appropriate attire
  • Peter O’Toole (Best In Memoriam Slide): Soft competition this year virtually guarantees the Lawrence Of Arabia star his first win in his first nomination in this category
  • Bruce Dern (Best Pappy): Though competition was fierce, Dern is the favorite to win for his turn as a grizzled old codger whom you could conceivably call Ol’ Pappy
  • Dallas Buyers Club (Best Animated Feature Film): The unbelievably lifelike animations in Jean-Marc Vallée’s wrenching feature about the AIDS scare makes this film a serious contender for Oscar gold
  • We’re The Millers (Best Foreign Language Film): The Danish dub of this Jason Sudeikis–Jennifer Aniston comedy will captivate voters
  • Matthew Broderick (Best): Oscar voters and viewers alike are likely to recognize the delightful Matthew Broderick as the Best
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The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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