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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College

With the Regular Decision application deadline fast approaching at many top universities, high school seniors around the nation are rushing to fill out college applications. Here are The Onion’s tips for applying to college:

  • Play it safe and maintain a 4.0 unweighted grade point average.
  • Make sure to ask Mr. Finn for a recommendation. He loves you!
  • Boring last names will put your application on the bottom of the pile. Try using one like “Baggins,” “Gamgee,” or “Took” for extra pizzazz.
  • Most college applications do not specify whether a stool sample is mandatory, so it’s best to call each school’s admissions office and ask.
  • At the bottom of your application, list the ethnicities you would be willing to share a dorm with.
  • You’ll want to check the student-to-faculty ratio to make sure you won’t be the only student.
  • Show that you have a sense of humor by misspelling the name of the school and lying about your accomplishments.
  • Inform your chosen college you’ll be touring campus wearing a red carnation. This will add a fun air of mystery that will keep them guessing!

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