The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College

With the Regular Decision application deadline fast approaching at many top universities, high school seniors around the nation are rushing to fill out college applications. Here are The Onion’s tips for applying to college:

  • Play it safe and maintain a 4.0 unweighted grade point average.
  • Make sure to ask Mr. Finn for a recommendation. He loves you!
  • Boring last names will put your application on the bottom of the pile. Try using one like “Baggins,” “Gamgee,” or “Took” for extra pizzazz.
  • Most college applications do not specify whether a stool sample is mandatory, so it’s best to call each school’s admissions office and ask.
  • At the bottom of your application, list the ethnicities you would be willing to share a dorm with.
  • You’ll want to check the student-to-faculty ratio to make sure you won’t be the only student.
  • Show that you have a sense of humor by misspelling the name of the school and lying about your accomplishments.
  • Inform your chosen college you’ll be touring campus wearing a red carnation. This will add a fun air of mystery that will keep them guessing!