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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College

With the Regular Decision application deadline fast approaching at many top universities, high school seniors around the nation are rushing to fill out college applications. Here are The Onion’s tips for applying to college:

  • Play it safe and maintain a 4.0 unweighted grade point average.
  • Make sure to ask Mr. Finn for a recommendation. He loves you!
  • Boring last names will put your application on the bottom of the pile. Try using one like “Baggins,” “Gamgee,” or “Took” for extra pizzazz.
  • Most college applications do not specify whether a stool sample is mandatory, so it’s best to call each school’s admissions office and ask.
  • At the bottom of your application, list the ethnicities you would be willing to share a dorm with.
  • You’ll want to check the student-to-faculty ratio to make sure you won’t be the only student.
  • Show that you have a sense of humor by misspelling the name of the school and lying about your accomplishments.
  • Inform your chosen college you’ll be touring campus wearing a red carnation. This will add a fun air of mystery that will keep them guessing!

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