The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

Top Headlines

Recent News

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline

The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision Friday that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional, concluding decades of hard-fought battles by gay rights activists to grant marriage equality to all. Here is a timeline of milestones in the gay rights movement in the U.S.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Good Times

The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

  • Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell Cleanview Deluxe Hand Vac
  • At some point during the process, it is imperative that you say out loud, “Seventy-nine dollars for a wine opener? Are you fucking kidding me?”
  • To really impress the couple, buy everything off the registry at once and leave it in a big trash bag outside of their house
  • Make sure to scratch your name onto the gift so the bride and groom know who bought it
  • Can’t go wrong with Call Of Duty: Black Ops II for the Xbox 360
  • If you are a sister of the bride, it’s okay to directly ask her what she wants, then ask if anything is ever, ever enough for her and wish her luck with her perfect fucking wedding to her perfect fucking husband
  • Choose something simple and practical like a knife or a gun or two guns
  • Feel free to deviate from the wedding registry if you want the bride to hate you
  • Make sure not to spend more than you have on wedding gifts, as that would be to enter the very borderlands of logic, plunging you into eternal madness
  • A toaster?
  • Let’s be honest here: Chris is a real tomcat, and as much as Ashley thinks he’s changed his ways, he’s going to screw this up, and soon, probably. You don’t want to invest in anything more than a few towels for this one, you know what I’m saying?
Next Story