WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right.
Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
SALISBURY, MD—Taking care to avoid the backyard Sunday afternoon to give the 49-year-old his space, family members of Chuck Learman told reporters they know not to interrupt their dad while he’s skimming the pool and listening to the Baltimore Orioles radio broadcast.
NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.
WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
NATICK, MA—Entirely unbeknownst to him, 45-year-old local resident Timothy Lang stood on the threshold of an exciting new phase in his life Monday as he typed the phrase “tender lump on neck” into Google’s search bar, sources reported.
BROOKLYN, NY—Shaking violently as she fought to slowly lift the 225-pound load, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly set a new personal single rep squat record Friday while watching Bernie Sanders speak about the upcoming California primary on her gym’s television.
BOWLING GREEN, KY—Saying it would be a great opportunity for some sunshine and fresh air, members of the Ostby family reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that their grandfather, Earl Ostby, might enjoy going outside and watching the worst Little League baseball game imaginable.
WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of the barrage of daily spectacles they would soon be subjected to, citizens across the nation reported Friday they were dreading having to spend the next half year watching presidential candidates attempt to relate to them.
WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars during his upcoming diplomatic visit to Japan, White House sources confirmed Friday.
WASHINGTON—Attributing the incident to an unfortunate and highly out-of-the-ordinary technological malfunction, officials at the Pentagon apologized this week after a drone strike intended for an ISIS stronghold in the Middle East nation of Yemen accidentally hit a wedding in West Palm Beach, FL, killing 17.
‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives
MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.
PORTLAND, ME—Saying he felt completely drained after a long and stressful day at work, local widower Harold Stein reported Thursday that he just doesn’t have the energy to waltz with his dead wife’s dress tonight.
HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell Cleanview Deluxe Hand Vac
At some point during the process, it is imperative that you say out loud, “Seventy-nine dollars for a wine opener? Are you fucking kidding me?”
To really impress the couple, buy everything off the registry at once and leave it in a big trash bag outside of their house
Make sure to scratch your name onto the gift so the bride and groom know who bought it
Can’t go wrong with Call Of Duty: Black Ops II for the Xbox 360
If you are a sister of the bride, it’s okay to directly ask her what she wants, then ask if anything is ever, ever enough for her and wish her luck with her perfect fucking wedding to her perfect fucking husband
Choose something simple and practical like a knife or a gun or two guns
Feel free to deviate from the wedding registry if you want the bride to hate you
Make sure not to spend more than you have on wedding gifts, as that would be to enter the very borderlands of logic, plunging you into eternal madness
Let’s be honest here: Chris is a real tomcat, and as much as Ashley thinks he’s changed his ways, he’s going to screw this up, and soon, probably. You don’t want to invest in anything more than a few towels for this one, you know what I’m saying?