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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

  • Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell Cleanview Deluxe Hand Vac
  • At some point during the process, it is imperative that you say out loud, “Seventy-nine dollars for a wine opener? Are you fucking kidding me?”
  • To really impress the couple, buy everything off the registry at once and leave it in a big trash bag outside of their house
  • Make sure to scratch your name onto the gift so the bride and groom know who bought it
  • Can’t go wrong with Call Of Duty: Black Ops II for the Xbox 360
  • If you are a sister of the bride, it’s okay to directly ask her what she wants, then ask if anything is ever, ever enough for her and wish her luck with her perfect fucking wedding to her perfect fucking husband
  • Choose something simple and practical like a knife or a gun or two guns
  • Feel free to deviate from the wedding registry if you want the bride to hate you
  • Make sure not to spend more than you have on wedding gifts, as that would be to enter the very borderlands of logic, plunging you into eternal madness
  • A toaster?
  • Let’s be honest here: Chris is a real tomcat, and as much as Ashley thinks he’s changed his ways, he’s going to screw this up, and soon, probably. You don’t want to invest in anything more than a few towels for this one, you know what I’m saying?

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