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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

  • Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell Cleanview Deluxe Hand Vac
  • At some point during the process, it is imperative that you say out loud, “Seventy-nine dollars for a wine opener? Are you fucking kidding me?”
  • To really impress the couple, buy everything off the registry at once and leave it in a big trash bag outside of their house
  • Make sure to scratch your name onto the gift so the bride and groom know who bought it
  • Can’t go wrong with Call Of Duty: Black Ops II for the Xbox 360
  • If you are a sister of the bride, it’s okay to directly ask her what she wants, then ask if anything is ever, ever enough for her and wish her luck with her perfect fucking wedding to her perfect fucking husband
  • Choose something simple and practical like a knife or a gun or two guns
  • Feel free to deviate from the wedding registry if you want the bride to hate you
  • Make sure not to spend more than you have on wedding gifts, as that would be to enter the very borderlands of logic, plunging you into eternal madness
  • A toaster?
  • Let’s be honest here: Chris is a real tomcat, and as much as Ashley thinks he’s changed his ways, he’s going to screw this up, and soon, probably. You don’t want to invest in anything more than a few towels for this one, you know what I’m saying?

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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