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The Onion’s Tips For College Freshmen

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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The Onion’s Tips For College Freshmen

Millions of young Americans are arriving on campuses all over the country to begin their college lives. Here are some useful tips for incoming freshmen to help them successfully navigate undergraduate life and make the most of the next four years:

  • College is a fresh start, so take a chance and be fun and outgoing for a few weeks before people catch on and realize you’re actually a weird loner.
  • Dorm rooms have limited space, which means you should choose carefully when deciding which pieces you’d like to bring from your family’s statuary collection.
  • Winking at your roommate will help break the ice.
  • The pressure to drink alcohol at college can be a major distraction. Thankfully, as a freshman you are unable to legally drink and won’t have to deal with this pressure for three more years.
  • Your new eating habits may cause the weight gain known as the Freshman 15, but that should change once you reach sophomore year, when your professors will introduce you to a variety of salads, fresh fruits, and nuts.
  • Be aware of your surroundings while on campus after dark. Many students have been known to take back the night.
  • If you’re overweight and don’t like to party, change one of those things about yourself immediately.
  • Entering a long-distance relationship with your high school sweetheart is a sound decision that you absolutely won’t regret when you’re 28 and looking back on all those amazing late-night Skype sessions.
  • Be open to meeting people, as the friends you make freshman year are likely to be the friends you have throughout college, then fall out of touch with after graduation, then see every three to seven years after that.

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