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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Onion’s Tips For College Freshmen

Millions of young Americans are arriving on campuses all over the country to begin their college lives. Here are some useful tips for incoming freshmen to help them successfully navigate undergraduate life and make the most of the next four years:

  • College is a fresh start, so take a chance and be fun and outgoing for a few weeks before people catch on and realize you’re actually a weird loner.
  • Dorm rooms have limited space, which means you should choose carefully when deciding which pieces you’d like to bring from your family’s statuary collection.
  • Winking at your roommate will help break the ice.
  • The pressure to drink alcohol at college can be a major distraction. Thankfully, as a freshman you are unable to legally drink and won’t have to deal with this pressure for three more years.
  • Your new eating habits may cause the weight gain known as the Freshman 15, but that should change once you reach sophomore year, when your professors will introduce you to a variety of salads, fresh fruits, and nuts.
  • Be aware of your surroundings while on campus after dark. Many students have been known to take back the night.
  • If you’re overweight and don’t like to party, change one of those things about yourself immediately.
  • Entering a long-distance relationship with your high school sweetheart is a sound decision that you absolutely won’t regret when you’re 28 and looking back on all those amazing late-night Skype sessions.
  • Be open to meeting people, as the friends you make freshman year are likely to be the friends you have throughout college, then fall out of touch with after graduation, then see every three to seven years after that.

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