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The Onion’s Tips For Filing Your Taxes At The Last Minute

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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The Onion’s Tips For Filing Your Taxes At The Last Minute

Tax Day is upon us and many Americans have yet to submit their returns. Here’s The Onion’s guide to successfully filing your taxes at the last minute:

  • You're going to want to put all your W2s in one stack and your 1099-INTs in another. Nice neat stacks—that's the key. Don't hesitate to adjust the stacks if they're not neat.
  • Drive 700 miles to your dad’s house, dump receipts and 1040 form on doorstep, drive away.
  • If you think you might be audited, say so. The IRS will appreciate the heads up.
  • Alternative Minimum Tax? Yeah, you're definitely going to want one of those. Check that box.
  • Consider squeezing in a quick tour of duty in a major foreign war.
  • Just hit the "Next" button on TurboTax 400 times while nodding assuredly.
  • Remember your training.
  • If you are a qualifying widow or widower under the age of 65, we are truly sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through that. That's awful.
  • Jesus. Come on, man. Just divide line 10 by line 44b and then add line 36 if you own municipal bonds or line 35 if you own regular bonds. What are you, an idiot?
  • Make sure all the numbers are right.
  • Relax, take a deep breath, and then quietly berate yourself for waiting until the last possible second when you had months to do this.

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