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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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The Onion’s Tips For Filing Your Taxes At The Last Minute

Tax Day is upon us and many Americans have yet to submit their returns. Here’s The Onion’s guide to successfully filing your taxes at the last minute:

  • You're going to want to put all your W2s in one stack and your 1099-INTs in another. Nice neat stacks—that's the key. Don't hesitate to adjust the stacks if they're not neat.
  • Drive 700 miles to your dad’s house, dump receipts and 1040 form on doorstep, drive away.
  • If you think you might be audited, say so. The IRS will appreciate the heads up.
  • Alternative Minimum Tax? Yeah, you're definitely going to want one of those. Check that box.
  • Consider squeezing in a quick tour of duty in a major foreign war.
  • Just hit the "Next" button on TurboTax 400 times while nodding assuredly.
  • Remember your training.
  • If you are a qualifying widow or widower under the age of 65, we are truly sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through that. That's awful.
  • Jesus. Come on, man. Just divide line 10 by line 44b and then add line 36 if you own municipal bonds or line 35 if you own regular bonds. What are you, an idiot?
  • Make sure all the numbers are right.
  • Relax, take a deep breath, and then quietly berate yourself for waiting until the last possible second when you had months to do this.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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