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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

  • Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in.
  • Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-blank, “Are you a terrorist?” People tend to come clean if they can sense you respect them enough to be direct.
  • Maybe a little torture?
  • One of the best places to find terrorists is anywhere that lots of decent people are minding their own goddamn business.
  • Is your suspect an Arab? If not, you just have to start again. Yes, it’s frustrating, but you just have to.
  • Be the terrorist you want to find.
  • Lull the suspected terrorist into a false sense of security by pretending to grant his demands and instituting a global religiofascist/totalitarian monoculture.
  • Take away civil liberties, make country feel like a police state. That sort of thing.
  • You’re going to want to rule out Evan. Don’t.
  • If a week goes by and no luck, you just gotta let it go, ya know?

More from this section

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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