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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

  • Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in.
  • Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-blank, “Are you a terrorist?” People tend to come clean if they can sense you respect them enough to be direct.
  • Maybe a little torture?
  • One of the best places to find terrorists is anywhere that lots of decent people are minding their own goddamn business.
  • Is your suspect an Arab? If not, you just have to start again. Yes, it’s frustrating, but you just have to.
  • Be the terrorist you want to find.
  • Lull the suspected terrorist into a false sense of security by pretending to grant his demands and instituting a global religiofascist/totalitarian monoculture.
  • Take away civil liberties, make country feel like a police state. That sort of thing.
  • You’re going to want to rule out Evan. Don’t.
  • If a week goes by and no luck, you just gotta let it go, ya know?

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