The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

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Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
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The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

  • Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in.
  • Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-blank, “Are you a terrorist?” People tend to come clean if they can sense you respect them enough to be direct.
  • Maybe a little torture?
  • One of the best places to find terrorists is anywhere that lots of decent people are minding their own goddamn business.
  • Is your suspect an Arab? If not, you just have to start again. Yes, it’s frustrating, but you just have to.
  • Be the terrorist you want to find.
  • Lull the suspected terrorist into a false sense of security by pretending to grant his demands and instituting a global religiofascist/totalitarian monoculture.
  • Take away civil liberties, make country feel like a police state. That sort of thing.
  • You’re going to want to rule out Evan. Don’t.
  • If a week goes by and no luck, you just gotta let it go, ya know?
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