The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

  • Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in.
  • Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-blank, “Are you a terrorist?” People tend to come clean if they can sense you respect them enough to be direct.
  • Maybe a little torture?
  • One of the best places to find terrorists is anywhere that lots of decent people are minding their own goddamn business.
  • Is your suspect an Arab? If not, you just have to start again. Yes, it’s frustrating, but you just have to.
  • Be the terrorist you want to find.
  • Lull the suspected terrorist into a false sense of security by pretending to grant his demands and instituting a global religiofascist/totalitarian monoculture.
  • Take away civil liberties, make country feel like a police state. That sort of thing.
  • You’re going to want to rule out Evan. Don’t.
  • If a week goes by and no luck, you just gotta let it go, ya know?