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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

  • Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in.
  • Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-blank, “Are you a terrorist?” People tend to come clean if they can sense you respect them enough to be direct.
  • Maybe a little torture?
  • One of the best places to find terrorists is anywhere that lots of decent people are minding their own goddamn business.
  • Is your suspect an Arab? If not, you just have to start again. Yes, it’s frustrating, but you just have to.
  • Be the terrorist you want to find.
  • Lull the suspected terrorist into a false sense of security by pretending to grant his demands and instituting a global religiofascist/totalitarian monoculture.
  • Take away civil liberties, make country feel like a police state. That sort of thing.
  • You’re going to want to rule out Evan. Don’t.
  • If a week goes by and no luck, you just gotta let it go, ya know?
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