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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

With dry weather and cooler temperatures on the horizon, skin care becomes more important than ever. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your skin healthy and beautiful:

  • The simplest way to healthy skin is a diet rich in healthy skin.
  • Exfoliating is essential and is as easy as taking a nearby handful of gravel, car keys, brass fasteners, or human teeth and rubbing them along your forehead and cheeks.
  • Ignore any irregular moles you find on your skin, regardless of size or color. Don’t let fear run your life.
  • If your school day is being ruined by blackheads, remember that acne affects approximately 0.1 percent of U.S. teens, or about two teens in every high school.
  • Purchase a sizable plot of land in the American Southwest. Plant several dozen bushes of the hearty desert shrub jojoba—also known as goat nut or gray box bush—in direct sunlight. After pollination is completed, typically in February or March, wait until the seed matures into a hard dark brown oval between 1 and 2 centimeters in length. Harvest the plant’s seeds and press them to extract their wax, known colloquially as “oil.” Apply liberally.
  • It can be difficult to keep your feet smooth and moisturized. Chop them off.
  • Spend a year living in Columbus, Ohio. It will do wonders for your skin.
  • Stress causes acne, so try not to think about how awful your skin looks.
  • Guarantee a beautiful golden brown complexion by being conceived by parents from the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province in northern Pakistan
  • If you are a good person, you already have good skin. If you aren’t, you never will. It’s as simple as that.

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