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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

With dry weather and cooler temperatures on the horizon, skin care becomes more important than ever. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your skin healthy and beautiful:

  • The simplest way to healthy skin is a diet rich in healthy skin.
  • Exfoliating is essential and is as easy as taking a nearby handful of gravel, car keys, brass fasteners, or human teeth and rubbing them along your forehead and cheeks.
  • Ignore any irregular moles you find on your skin, regardless of size or color. Don’t let fear run your life.
  • If your school day is being ruined by blackheads, remember that acne affects approximately 0.1 percent of U.S. teens, or about two teens in every high school.
  • Purchase a sizable plot of land in the American Southwest. Plant several dozen bushes of the hearty desert shrub jojoba—also known as goat nut or gray box bush—in direct sunlight. After pollination is completed, typically in February or March, wait until the seed matures into a hard dark brown oval between 1 and 2 centimeters in length. Harvest the plant’s seeds and press them to extract their wax, known colloquially as “oil.” Apply liberally.
  • It can be difficult to keep your feet smooth and moisturized. Chop them off.
  • Spend a year living in Columbus, Ohio. It will do wonders for your skin.
  • Stress causes acne, so try not to think about how awful your skin looks.
  • Guarantee a beautiful golden brown complexion by being conceived by parents from the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province in northern Pakistan
  • If you are a good person, you already have good skin. If you aren’t, you never will. It’s as simple as that.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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