The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

With dry weather and cooler temperatures on the horizon, skin care becomes more important than ever. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your skin healthy and beautiful:

  • The simplest way to healthy skin is a diet rich in healthy skin.
  • Exfoliating is essential and is as easy as taking a nearby handful of gravel, car keys, brass fasteners, or human teeth and rubbing them along your forehead and cheeks.
  • Ignore any irregular moles you find on your skin, regardless of size or color. Don’t let fear run your life.
  • If your school day is being ruined by blackheads, remember that acne affects approximately 0.1 percent of U.S. teens, or about two teens in every high school.
  • Purchase a sizable plot of land in the American Southwest. Plant several dozen bushes of the hearty desert shrub jojoba—also known as goat nut or gray box bush—in direct sunlight. After pollination is completed, typically in February or March, wait until the seed matures into a hard dark brown oval between 1 and 2 centimeters in length. Harvest the plant’s seeds and press them to extract their wax, known colloquially as “oil.” Apply liberally.
  • It can be difficult to keep your feet smooth and moisturized. Chop them off.
  • Spend a year living in Columbus, Ohio. It will do wonders for your skin.
  • Stress causes acne, so try not to think about how awful your skin looks.
  • Guarantee a beautiful golden brown complexion by being conceived by parents from the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province in northern Pakistan
  • If you are a good person, you already have good skin. If you aren’t, you never will. It’s as simple as that.