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The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

With dry weather and cooler temperatures on the horizon, skin care becomes more important than ever. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your skin healthy and beautiful:

  • The simplest way to healthy skin is a diet rich in healthy skin.
  • Exfoliating is essential and is as easy as taking a nearby handful of gravel, car keys, brass fasteners, or human teeth and rubbing them along your forehead and cheeks.
  • Ignore any irregular moles you find on your skin, regardless of size or color. Don’t let fear run your life.
  • If your school day is being ruined by blackheads, remember that acne affects approximately 0.1 percent of U.S. teens, or about two teens in every high school.
  • Purchase a sizable plot of land in the American Southwest. Plant several dozen bushes of the hearty desert shrub jojoba—also known as goat nut or gray box bush—in direct sunlight. After pollination is completed, typically in February or March, wait until the seed matures into a hard dark brown oval between 1 and 2 centimeters in length. Harvest the plant’s seeds and press them to extract their wax, known colloquially as “oil.” Apply liberally.
  • It can be difficult to keep your feet smooth and moisturized. Chop them off.
  • Spend a year living in Columbus, Ohio. It will do wonders for your skin.
  • Stress causes acne, so try not to think about how awful your skin looks.
  • Guarantee a beautiful golden brown complexion by being conceived by parents from the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province in northern Pakistan
  • If you are a good person, you already have good skin. If you aren’t, you never will. It’s as simple as that.

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