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The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

With dry weather and cooler temperatures on the horizon, skin care becomes more important than ever. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your skin healthy and beautiful:

  • The simplest way to healthy skin is a diet rich in healthy skin.
  • Exfoliating is essential and is as easy as taking a nearby handful of gravel, car keys, brass fasteners, or human teeth and rubbing them along your forehead and cheeks.
  • Ignore any irregular moles you find on your skin, regardless of size or color. Don’t let fear run your life.
  • If your school day is being ruined by blackheads, remember that acne affects approximately 0.1 percent of U.S. teens, or about two teens in every high school.
  • Purchase a sizable plot of land in the American Southwest. Plant several dozen bushes of the hearty desert shrub jojoba—also known as goat nut or gray box bush—in direct sunlight. After pollination is completed, typically in February or March, wait until the seed matures into a hard dark brown oval between 1 and 2 centimeters in length. Harvest the plant’s seeds and press them to extract their wax, known colloquially as “oil.” Apply liberally.
  • It can be difficult to keep your feet smooth and moisturized. Chop them off.
  • Spend a year living in Columbus, Ohio. It will do wonders for your skin.
  • Stress causes acne, so try not to think about how awful your skin looks.
  • Guarantee a beautiful golden brown complexion by being conceived by parents from the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province in northern Pakistan
  • If you are a good person, you already have good skin. If you aren’t, you never will. It’s as simple as that.

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