adBlockCheck

Good Times

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Report: 43% Of Party Invitations Unprovoked

TUCSON, AZ—Claiming that millions of unsuspecting recipients are caught off-guard each year, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Arizona found that 43 percent of all party invitations are entirely unprovoked.

Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends

NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them.

Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood

FRANKLIN, WI—Weighing various options for how to proceed given the unexpectedness of the situation, local 33-year-old Trevor Clifford was reportedly at a complete loss as to what he should do Monday after suddenly finding himself in a good mood.

Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well. Several of the Wh...

Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’

SAN ANTONIO—NCG Information Systems sales associate Greg Autry told reporters Wednesday that he is currently in the process of “psyching himself up” to ask Head Database Management Analyst Stacy Donahue to their office’s annual Fal...

After-Work Drinks Enter Third Excruciating Minute

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources who felt professionally obligated to attend, minute three of a management-sponsored after-work gathering at Freddy's Bar and Backroom remains tortuous and almost unbearable for the seven employees of ProVantage Sol...
End Of Section
  • More News

Good Times

The Onion’s Tips For Hosting A New Year’s Eve Party

Millions of people are preparing to ring in the new year by hosting friends and family for a night of food, fun, and festivity. Here are The Onion’s tips for ensuring that your New Year’s Eve party is enjoyable and memorable:

  • Make a fun playlist filled with your favorite party songs and then force your guests to sit in complete silence as it plays.
  • To create a festive atmosphere, print out a sheet of paper that says “2014” and tape it to the wall.
  • Heighten the excitement of reaching the new year by counting down from 10,000 starting at 9:13 p.m.
  • Set out a single loaf of multigrain bread for guests to snack on during the party.
  • Noisemakers, party hats, and cheery 2014 novelty glasses are a great addition to the world’s landfills.
  • Give your home that Times Square atmosphere by urinating all over your floor, tossing around a bunch of crushed paper cups, and hanging up an electronic sign that says “M&M World.”
  • Cheese trays make excellent things to stand around while the guests at your party discuss how much they hate work and just want to get drunk tonight.
  • If things get dull, invite your guests to play traditional New Year’s games such as Jak And Daxter: The Precursor Legacy, Jak II, Jak 3, Jak And Daxter: The Lost Frontier, and Jak X: Combat Racer.
  • Wear the seafoam dress. Mark said he’ll be there, and it’s over with him and Kayla. Make your move.
  • If your guests are bringing their children, have some form of entertainment for them like a DVD or a knotted rope.
  • Have everyone in attendance write their New Year’s resolutions on a scrap of paper and place them in a hat. Then, sometime around midnight when you’ve had too much to drink, place the hat on your head while you scream that you fucking hate everyone there.
  • Remember, your guests are fucking disgusting, grubby pigs. They’re loud and messy, and look what they did to your goddamn living room. They say they’re good to drive, so just let them. Jesus, just get them the fuck out. Fuck them. Fuck New Year’s.

Good Times Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close