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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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The Onion’s Tips For Making A Political Comeback

  • After the bad thing you did is first uncovered, try not to keep doing that bad thing.
  • Forcing the loved ones you’ve hurt through your own selfish indiscretions to back you publicly probably can’t hurt.
  • Constrict the pharyngeal muscles, depress the lip corners, pucker the brows, and innervate facial nerves to evince remorse.
  • Explain that infidelity and corruption are perfectly normal, natural things in a politician’s life, and can actually be very beautiful.
  • Study the examples of John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, and Bill Clinton, and realize regardless of how many times you demean your wife by sleeping with other women, you’ll eventually become an American hero.
  • If a reporter brings up your checkered past, speak up and let them know they’ve crossed the line. You don’t have to take that shit.
  • Hope people like yourself have already degraded politics to the point that nearly anyone can be elected.
  • If things get rough, just remember the good ol’ days when you were getting away with it.
  • Own it, man. Just own it.
  • Don’t worry too much about negative attention, as the media rarely chooses to dwell on such frivolous fodder as a scandal-plagued politician attempting to redeem his name.
  • Write “winner” in lipstick on your bathroom mirror.
  • Take heart by thinking about all the beloved politicians who salvaged their reputations after major scandals, such as John Edwards, Todd Akin, Jim McGreevey, Rod Blagojevich, Mark Foley, Eric Massa, Larry Craig, John Ensign, Gary Condit, and Richard Nixon.
  • Realize that maybe politics just isn’t the place for people with checkered pasts, poor decision-making skills, and utterly impulsive behavior.

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