The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend

In today’s fast-paced world, it seems like just about any guy can accidentally kill his girlfriend at virtually any time. Here are some easy strategies to avoid inadvertently murdering your significant other:

  • Be sure to avoid firing a gun in the general direction of your girlfriend, regardless of the situation.
  • Shy away from doing anything that may cause your girlfriend a massive amount of blood loss, such as beating her, stabbing her, or shooting her multiple times.
  • Consider performing a task that has a low risk of accidentally murdering your girlfriend, like giving her flowers, taking her to dinner, or letting her continue living and breathing.
  • Remain generally cognizant of the fact that three gunshots to the head and torso will, in most situations, fatally wound a person, and that this fact will, therefore, likely apply to your girlfriend as well.
  • If there is a locked door in your home and there is even a remote possibility that the person you’re currently dating is behind that door and could be immediately killed by the bullets you fire at the door, try not to fire a gun directly at that door.
  • In general, if there is something that you think might cause your girlfriend to stop living, don’t do that thing.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close