The Onion’s Tips For Passing Gun Control Legislation

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Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
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The Onion’s Tips For Passing Gun Control Legislation

  • Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation.
  • Before voting on gun control bill, try, if you can, to remember any recent examples in which guns have been used to kill innocent people.
  • Acknowledge that it’s going to be hard to buck the pressure of the high-powered gun lobby, but not that fucking hard, dumbass.
  • Consider if overwhelming public support for a particular measure is something you want to be associated with or not.
  • Inform your decision by researching whether guns are good or bad when placed in the wrong hands.
  • Muster everything that’s left in your black, desiccated heart to do something that might actually be of service to someone other than yourself.
  • Carefully assess the other side of the argument wherein mentally unstable people can buy weapons at a gun show with no problem whatsoever, and then realize there is no other side of this argument.
  • Put on your stupid little suit, run a comb through your greasy hair, go to the U.S Capitol building, pick up your fancy little gold pen, and pass a fucking gun control bill.
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