SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could.
- Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation.
- Before voting on gun control bill, try, if you can, to remember any recent examples in which guns have been used to kill innocent people.
- Acknowledge that it’s going to be hard to buck the pressure of the high-powered gun lobby, but not that fucking hard, dumbass.
- Consider if overwhelming public support for a particular measure is something you want to be associated with or not.
- Inform your decision by researching whether guns are good or bad when placed in the wrong hands.
- Muster everything that’s left in your black, desiccated heart to do something that might actually be of service to someone other than yourself.
- Carefully assess the other side of the argument wherein mentally unstable people can buy weapons at a gun show with no problem whatsoever, and then realize there is no other side of this argument.
- Put on your stupid little suit, run a comb through your greasy hair, go to the U.S Capitol building, pick up your fancy little gold pen, and pass a fucking gun control bill.