The Onion’s Tips For Passing Gun Control Legislation

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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The Onion’s Tips For Passing Gun Control Legislation

  • Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation.
  • Before voting on gun control bill, try, if you can, to remember any recent examples in which guns have been used to kill innocent people.
  • Acknowledge that it’s going to be hard to buck the pressure of the high-powered gun lobby, but not that fucking hard, dumbass.
  • Consider if overwhelming public support for a particular measure is something you want to be associated with or not.
  • Inform your decision by researching whether guns are good or bad when placed in the wrong hands.
  • Muster everything that’s left in your black, desiccated heart to do something that might actually be of service to someone other than yourself.
  • Carefully assess the other side of the argument wherein mentally unstable people can buy weapons at a gun show with no problem whatsoever, and then realize there is no other side of this argument.
  • Put on your stupid little suit, run a comb through your greasy hair, go to the U.S Capitol building, pick up your fancy little gold pen, and pass a fucking gun control bill.