PHILADELPHIA—Waiting anxiously for the former president to address what was clearly on the minds of everyone in attendance, sources in the Democratic National Convention audience Tuesday night expressed hope that Bill Clinton would break the tension during his speech with a joke about how utterly awful he looks.
- Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation.
- Before voting on gun control bill, try, if you can, to remember any recent examples in which guns have been used to kill innocent people.
- Acknowledge that it’s going to be hard to buck the pressure of the high-powered gun lobby, but not that fucking hard, dumbass.
- Consider if overwhelming public support for a particular measure is something you want to be associated with or not.
- Inform your decision by researching whether guns are good or bad when placed in the wrong hands.
- Muster everything that’s left in your black, desiccated heart to do something that might actually be of service to someone other than yourself.
- Carefully assess the other side of the argument wherein mentally unstable people can buy weapons at a gun show with no problem whatsoever, and then realize there is no other side of this argument.
- Put on your stupid little suit, run a comb through your greasy hair, go to the U.S Capitol building, pick up your fancy little gold pen, and pass a fucking gun control bill.