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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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The Onion’s Tips For Saving Money

Many Americans are looking to cut costs to secure their financial futures. Here are The Onion’s tips for saving money:

  • A big part of living frugally is exercising self-control. Avoid frivolous spending by cutting up all of your cash so you won’t be tempted to use it.
  • Many careless consumers hemorrhage hundreds of dollars each year by tipping waitresses; don’t fall into this money-wasting trap.
  • Cut monthly food expenses by first shopping for used groceries before buying new.
  • Call the kidnapper’s bluff.
  • Building a strong savings plan takes a lot of time and effort, so you’ll want to approach the task well rested and with a clear head. Start out by taking a weeklong vacation to a luxury resort on a remote Polynesian island. Be sure to partake in all of the first-class amenities the resort has to offer: hot stone massages and tea tree oil facials, gourmet room service, daily catamaran rentals, and scuba diving lessons. Really make the most of your stay so that you can return relaxed and ready to plan your financial future.
  • Most home and car repairs can be done yourself if you’re one of the few strong, reliable classic American men left.
  • Avoid costly habits like smoking, drinking, and child-rearing.
  • Drugstores and pharmacies often have rewards programs that offer exclusive deals to members. Flash the secret hand signal to your cashier for special deals.
  • Above all, resist enjoying life.

More from this section

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

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