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The Onion’s Tips For Saving Money

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Finance

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
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The Onion’s Tips For Saving Money

Many Americans are looking to cut costs to secure their financial futures. Here are The Onion’s tips for saving money:

  • A big part of living frugally is exercising self-control. Avoid frivolous spending by cutting up all of your cash so you won’t be tempted to use it.
  • Many careless consumers hemorrhage hundreds of dollars each year by tipping waitresses; don’t fall into this money-wasting trap.
  • Cut monthly food expenses by first shopping for used groceries before buying new.
  • Call the kidnapper’s bluff.
  • Building a strong savings plan takes a lot of time and effort, so you’ll want to approach the task well rested and with a clear head. Start out by taking a weeklong vacation to a luxury resort on a remote Polynesian island. Be sure to partake in all of the first-class amenities the resort has to offer: hot stone massages and tea tree oil facials, gourmet room service, daily catamaran rentals, and scuba diving lessons. Really make the most of your stay so that you can return relaxed and ready to plan your financial future.
  • Most home and car repairs can be done yourself if you’re one of the few strong, reliable classic American men left.
  • Avoid costly habits like smoking, drinking, and child-rearing.
  • Drugstores and pharmacies often have rewards programs that offer exclusive deals to members. Flash the secret hand signal to your cashier for special deals.
  • Above all, resist enjoying life.

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