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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

  • Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in
  • Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence
  • Impeach President Barack Obama
  • On the Mexico side of the border, have a film projector constantly showing what daily life in Texas is like
  • One 700-foot-tall border agent
  • Optimize your border security by encrypting your VPN with a WPA2 security code and segmenting your networks according to ISA IEC 62443 standards
  • Spikes or something?
  • Nothing a little drone action can’t solve
  • Give immigrants a flat-out honest explanation of the kind of racism and xenophobia they can expect if they cross over

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