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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

  • Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in
  • Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence
  • Impeach President Barack Obama
  • On the Mexico side of the border, have a film projector constantly showing what daily life in Texas is like
  • One 700-foot-tall border agent
  • Optimize your border security by encrypting your VPN with a WPA2 security code and segmenting your networks according to ISA IEC 62443 standards
  • Spikes or something?
  • Nothing a little drone action can’t solve
  • Give immigrants a flat-out honest explanation of the kind of racism and xenophobia they can expect if they cross over

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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