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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

  • Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in
  • Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence
  • Impeach President Barack Obama
  • On the Mexico side of the border, have a film projector constantly showing what daily life in Texas is like
  • One 700-foot-tall border agent
  • Optimize your border security by encrypting your VPN with a WPA2 security code and segmenting your networks according to ISA IEC 62443 standards
  • Spikes or something?
  • Nothing a little drone action can’t solve
  • Give immigrants a flat-out honest explanation of the kind of racism and xenophobia they can expect if they cross over
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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