The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

  • Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in
  • Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence
  • Impeach President Barack Obama
  • On the Mexico side of the border, have a film projector constantly showing what daily life in Texas is like
  • One 700-foot-tall border agent
  • Optimize your border security by encrypting your VPN with a WPA2 security code and segmenting your networks according to ISA IEC 62443 standards
  • Spikes or something?
  • Nothing a little drone action can’t solve
  • Give immigrants a flat-out honest explanation of the kind of racism and xenophobia they can expect if they cross over