The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.

Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition. 1955: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Lan...
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The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

  • Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in
  • Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence
  • Impeach President Barack Obama
  • On the Mexico side of the border, have a film projector constantly showing what daily life in Texas is like
  • One 700-foot-tall border agent
  • Optimize your border security by encrypting your VPN with a WPA2 security code and segmenting your networks according to ISA IEC 62443 standards
  • Spikes or something?
  • Nothing a little drone action can’t solve
  • Give immigrants a flat-out honest explanation of the kind of racism and xenophobia they can expect if they cross over
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