The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer

The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all:

  • Carolers are always welcome as Christmas Day approaches, and your friends and neighbors will love to hear your renditions of holiday classics like Nesem Vám Noviny, Štědrý Večer Nastal, and Narodil Se Kristus Pán.
  • Simply affix framed family photos and a stately clock to your torso, place Christmas stockings over your feet, hands, and head, and then run blindly around in public as the festive Mantel Monster.
  • Offer holiday shoppers free photos you took of children with the mall Santa.
  • Ask the web guy to update your website’s logo, and see if he can make the home page look like it’s snowing.
  • Remind others of the story of King Herod and Jesus’ birth by publicly ordering the slaughter of all boys under the age of 2 in your city.
  • If you’re the president of a large corporation, nothing spreads holiday cheer to your employees like a $20 gift certificate to Starbucks.
  • Wait an extra week before informing your kids of your divorce.
  • Remember, participating in an office Secret Santa pool is a great way to acquire a $6 piece of trash.
  • Find some indeterminate animal bones, place them in a bag, and hand them out to children with a note explaining that they are the bones of Santa Claus.
  • Nothing says “Christmas cheer” like drinking a sixth whiskey and Coke at your workplace party, sloppily hitting on the girl in sales who’s nearly 20 years younger than you, and then leaning your forehead against the tile above the urinal for several minutes until you work up the composure to silently lumber past everyone and outside to catch a cab.
  • Open one gift on Christmas Eve. Mark’s parents let him open one the night before. Come on, just one. Please? Why not?
  • Give the entire firehouse the night off and let the chips fall where they may.
  • Rutherford really has done an excellent job tending to your needs this year—polishing the china, running your bath, and all the other sundries needed to keep this estate spick-and-span. Perhaps a holiday bonus of, say, $5 is in order?