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Tips

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Wedding Guest Etiquette Tips

Attending a wedding comes with its own set of social graces. The Onion provides a list of basic rules of etiquette for being a polite, congenial wedding guest

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

SAT Prep Tips

The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer

The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all:

  • Carolers are always welcome as Christmas Day approaches, and your friends and neighbors will love to hear your renditions of holiday classics like Nesem Vám Noviny, Štědrý Večer Nastal, and Narodil Se Kristus Pán.
  • Simply affix framed family photos and a stately clock to your torso, place Christmas stockings over your feet, hands, and head, and then run blindly around in public as the festive Mantel Monster.
  • Offer holiday shoppers free photos you took of children with the mall Santa.
  • Ask the web guy to update your website’s logo, and see if he can make the home page look like it’s snowing.
  • Remind others of the story of King Herod and Jesus’ birth by publicly ordering the slaughter of all boys under the age of 2 in your city.
  • If you’re the president of a large corporation, nothing spreads holiday cheer to your employees like a $20 gift certificate to Starbucks.
  • Wait an extra week before informing your kids of your divorce.
  • Remember, participating in an office Secret Santa pool is a great way to acquire a $6 piece of trash.
  • Find some indeterminate animal bones, place them in a bag, and hand them out to children with a note explaining that they are the bones of Santa Claus.
  • Nothing says “Christmas cheer” like drinking a sixth whiskey and Coke at your workplace party, sloppily hitting on the girl in sales who’s nearly 20 years younger than you, and then leaning your forehead against the tile above the urinal for several minutes until you work up the composure to silently lumber past everyone and outside to catch a cab.
  • Open one gift on Christmas Eve. Mark’s parents let him open one the night before. Come on, just one. Please? Why not?
  • Give the entire firehouse the night off and let the chips fall where they may.
  • Rutherford really has done an excellent job tending to your needs this year—polishing the china, running your bath, and all the other sundries needed to keep this estate spick-and-span. Perhaps a holiday bonus of, say, $5 is in order?

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