The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer

The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all:

  • Carolers are always welcome as Christmas Day approaches, and your friends and neighbors will love to hear your renditions of holiday classics like Nesem Vám Noviny, Štědrý Večer Nastal, and Narodil Se Kristus Pán.
  • Simply affix framed family photos and a stately clock to your torso, place Christmas stockings over your feet, hands, and head, and then run blindly around in public as the festive Mantel Monster.
  • Offer holiday shoppers free photos you took of children with the mall Santa.
  • Ask the web guy to update your website’s logo, and see if he can make the home page look like it’s snowing.
  • Remind others of the story of King Herod and Jesus’ birth by publicly ordering the slaughter of all boys under the age of 2 in your city.
  • If you’re the president of a large corporation, nothing spreads holiday cheer to your employees like a $20 gift certificate to Starbucks.
  • Wait an extra week before informing your kids of your divorce.
  • Remember, participating in an office Secret Santa pool is a great way to acquire a $6 piece of trash.
  • Find some indeterminate animal bones, place them in a bag, and hand them out to children with a note explaining that they are the bones of Santa Claus.
  • Nothing says “Christmas cheer” like drinking a sixth whiskey and Coke at your workplace party, sloppily hitting on the girl in sales who’s nearly 20 years younger than you, and then leaning your forehead against the tile above the urinal for several minutes until you work up the composure to silently lumber past everyone and outside to catch a cab.
  • Open one gift on Christmas Eve. Mark’s parents let him open one the night before. Come on, just one. Please? Why not?
  • Give the entire firehouse the night off and let the chips fall where they may.
  • Rutherford really has done an excellent job tending to your needs this year—polishing the china, running your bath, and all the other sundries needed to keep this estate spick-and-span. Perhaps a holiday bonus of, say, $5 is in order?