The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

Top Headlines

Recent News

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Preparedness

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

  • You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples.
  • Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the good ones. You get it.
  • Be sure to keep your travel agent’s number stored in your PalmPilot.
  • If T-Bone Burnett is on your plane, feel free to say hi, but don’t ask for a photo. He’d definitely do it because he’s a good guy, but it’s just kind of an annoying thing to do, you know?
  • Buy a one-day pass to the airline lounge, a veritable phantasmagoria of sex, death, and passion where your wildest dreams become reality.
  • Avoid interstates, as those tend to be monitored by InfiniCorp’s security forces.
  • Arrive at your parents’ house several hours early, stake out a concealed vantage point, and use binoculars to study their reactions as you call to let them know you’ll be an hour late.
  • Avoid long lines at airport security by striding confidently past everyone, displaying your driver’s license, and repeating the words “sorry, folks.”
  • Don’t let a little adverse weather ruin everyone’s holiday. Get in that cockpit and do your job.
  • No matter how stressful travel gets, remember that it will be 10 times worse when you’re celebrating the holiday with your family.