The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

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What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

  • You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples.
  • Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the good ones. You get it.
  • Be sure to keep your travel agent’s number stored in your PalmPilot.
  • If T-Bone Burnett is on your plane, feel free to say hi, but don’t ask for a photo. He’d definitely do it because he’s a good guy, but it’s just kind of an annoying thing to do, you know?
  • Buy a one-day pass to the airline lounge, a veritable phantasmagoria of sex, death, and passion where your wildest dreams become reality.
  • Avoid interstates, as those tend to be monitored by InfiniCorp’s security forces.
  • Arrive at your parents’ house several hours early, stake out a concealed vantage point, and use binoculars to study their reactions as you call to let them know you’ll be an hour late.
  • Avoid long lines at airport security by striding confidently past everyone, displaying your driver’s license, and repeating the words “sorry, folks.”
  • Don’t let a little adverse weather ruin everyone’s holiday. Get in that cockpit and do your job.
  • No matter how stressful travel gets, remember that it will be 10 times worse when you’re celebrating the holiday with your family.