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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

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The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

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The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

  • You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples.
  • Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the good ones. You get it.
  • Be sure to keep your travel agent’s number stored in your PalmPilot.
  • If T-Bone Burnett is on your plane, feel free to say hi, but don’t ask for a photo. He’d definitely do it because he’s a good guy, but it’s just kind of an annoying thing to do, you know?
  • Buy a one-day pass to the airline lounge, a veritable phantasmagoria of sex, death, and passion where your wildest dreams become reality.
  • Avoid interstates, as those tend to be monitored by InfiniCorp’s security forces.
  • Arrive at your parents’ house several hours early, stake out a concealed vantage point, and use binoculars to study their reactions as you call to let them know you’ll be an hour late.
  • Avoid long lines at airport security by striding confidently past everyone, displaying your driver’s license, and repeating the words “sorry, folks.”
  • Don’t let a little adverse weather ruin everyone’s holiday. Get in that cockpit and do your job.
  • No matter how stressful travel gets, remember that it will be 10 times worse when you’re celebrating the holiday with your family.

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