The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

  • Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves
  • Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt
  • For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obviously heroin if you can get it
  • Dip skin into a bath of beaten egg and then coat rest of surface in protective bread crumbs, which will keep your body moist and juicy with a nice crunch
  • Sharing a bed may be uncomfortable, so divorce your spouse
  • Reduce any epidermal redness by applying a thick layer of white acrylic or eggshell latex paint
  • Stay hydrated with a scalding shower or by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over sunburned areas while soaking in a jacuzzi
  • Sunburn can be incredibly painful, so make sure to allow the skin to heal and avoid directly touching the sun
  • Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, but make sure to consume all of the packaging for the full effect
  • Come to the realization that your burns will never truly heal and that this is just what your life is like now
  • Tell your loved ones goodbye and hang yourself