The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

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WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

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WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

  • Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves
  • Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt
  • For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obviously heroin if you can get it
  • Dip skin into a bath of beaten egg and then coat rest of surface in protective bread crumbs, which will keep your body moist and juicy with a nice crunch
  • Sharing a bed may be uncomfortable, so divorce your spouse
  • Reduce any epidermal redness by applying a thick layer of white acrylic or eggshell latex paint
  • Stay hydrated with a scalding shower or by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over sunburned areas while soaking in a jacuzzi
  • Sunburn can be incredibly painful, so make sure to allow the skin to heal and avoid directly touching the sun
  • Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, but make sure to consume all of the packaging for the full effect
  • Come to the realization that your burns will never truly heal and that this is just what your life is like now
  • Tell your loved ones goodbye and hang yourself