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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

  • Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves
  • Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt
  • For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obviously heroin if you can get it
  • Dip skin into a bath of beaten egg and then coat rest of surface in protective bread crumbs, which will keep your body moist and juicy with a nice crunch
  • Sharing a bed may be uncomfortable, so divorce your spouse
  • Reduce any epidermal redness by applying a thick layer of white acrylic or eggshell latex paint
  • Stay hydrated with a scalding shower or by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over sunburned areas while soaking in a jacuzzi
  • Sunburn can be incredibly painful, so make sure to allow the skin to heal and avoid directly touching the sun
  • Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, but make sure to consume all of the packaging for the full effect
  • Come to the realization that your burns will never truly heal and that this is just what your life is like now
  • Tell your loved ones goodbye and hang yourself

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