The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

  • Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves
  • Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt
  • For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obviously heroin if you can get it
  • Dip skin into a bath of beaten egg and then coat rest of surface in protective bread crumbs, which will keep your body moist and juicy with a nice crunch
  • Sharing a bed may be uncomfortable, so divorce your spouse
  • Reduce any epidermal redness by applying a thick layer of white acrylic or eggshell latex paint
  • Stay hydrated with a scalding shower or by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over sunburned areas while soaking in a jacuzzi
  • Sunburn can be incredibly painful, so make sure to allow the skin to heal and avoid directly touching the sun
  • Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, but make sure to consume all of the packaging for the full effect
  • Come to the realization that your burns will never truly heal and that this is just what your life is like now
  • Tell your loved ones goodbye and hang yourself


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