The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

  • Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves
  • Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt
  • For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obviously heroin if you can get it
  • Dip skin into a bath of beaten egg and then coat rest of surface in protective bread crumbs, which will keep your body moist and juicy with a nice crunch
  • Sharing a bed may be uncomfortable, so divorce your spouse
  • Reduce any epidermal redness by applying a thick layer of white acrylic or eggshell latex paint
  • Stay hydrated with a scalding shower or by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over sunburned areas while soaking in a jacuzzi
  • Sunburn can be incredibly painful, so make sure to allow the skin to heal and avoid directly touching the sun
  • Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, but make sure to consume all of the packaging for the full effect
  • Come to the realization that your burns will never truly heal and that this is just what your life is like now
  • Tell your loved ones goodbye and hang yourself