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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Onion’s Tips On How To Prevent Your Major Media Site From Being Hacked

  • Well, firing your IT person is certainly not a bad place to start.
  • Create safe passwords by only using the trustworthy letters and numbers.
  • Reduce interest in your website by cutting down on stories about very popular subjects, such as Syria.
  • Move site to a new web address every few minutes.
  • Shoot out an email reminding employees to be really careful online.
  • If you receive an unfamiliar email asking for your username and password, don’t delete it right away. Dig deeper by inputting your personal information and following the links.
  • Install a shit-ton of firewalls.
  • If your Twitter account is hacked, don’t be afraid to contact Twitter with your concerns. Their world-class tech team will respond in a fastidious manner to get your account up and running again within seconds.
  • Transfer over to a weekly print production schedule.
  • Remember that, worst comes to worst, it’s just a tweet, and it’s not like anyone’s ever had to apologize for a tweet before.
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