The Onion’s Tips On How To Prevent Your Major Media Site From Being Hacked

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The Onion’s Tips On How To Prevent Your Major Media Site From Being Hacked

  • Well, firing your IT person is certainly not a bad place to start.
  • Create safe passwords by only using the trustworthy letters and numbers.
  • Reduce interest in your website by cutting down on stories about very popular subjects, such as Syria.
  • Move site to a new web address every few minutes.
  • Shoot out an email reminding employees to be really careful online.
  • If you receive an unfamiliar email asking for your username and password, don’t delete it right away. Dig deeper by inputting your personal information and following the links.
  • Install a shit-ton of firewalls.
  • If your Twitter account is hacked, don’t be afraid to contact Twitter with your concerns. Their world-class tech team will respond in a fastidious manner to get your account up and running again within seconds.
  • Transfer over to a weekly print production schedule.
  • Remember that, worst comes to worst, it’s just a tweet, and it’s not like anyone’s ever had to apologize for a tweet before.