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The Onion’s Tips On How To Prevent Your Major Media Site From Being Hacked

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

The Onion’s Tips On How To Prevent Your Major Media Site From Being Hacked

  • Well, firing your IT person is certainly not a bad place to start.
  • Create safe passwords by only using the trustworthy letters and numbers.
  • Reduce interest in your website by cutting down on stories about very popular subjects, such as Syria.
  • Move site to a new web address every few minutes.
  • Shoot out an email reminding employees to be really careful online.
  • If you receive an unfamiliar email asking for your username and password, don’t delete it right away. Dig deeper by inputting your personal information and following the links.
  • Install a shit-ton of firewalls.
  • If your Twitter account is hacked, don’t be afraid to contact Twitter with your concerns. Their world-class tech team will respond in a fastidious manner to get your account up and running again within seconds.
  • Transfer over to a weekly print production schedule.
  • Remember that, worst comes to worst, it’s just a tweet, and it’s not like anyone’s ever had to apologize for a tweet before.

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