BYRD, ANTARCTICA–Brad Swithers, three-time winner of the Molson Ice/Edge Gel South Pole Laff-Off, said Monday that he is running out of ideas for observational humor about life in Antarctica. "I've already made tons of 'What's the deal with those ice chunks that form between the huskies' toes?' jokes," Swithers said. "And, of course, I've done the whole penguins-and-smelt thing to death." Swithers added that he's currently working on a bit about the differences between Amundsen Bay and Voyeykov Ice Shelf women.
BOSTON–Attorney Derrick Carlisle patronized the Riverside Café and five members of its staff Monday. "Excuse me, but I've always been under the impression that Manhattan Clam Chowder is red, not white," Carlisle told server Diane Ptacek. "And, when you get a second, please tell the bartender that a proper old-fashioned is made with a dash of bitters, not a whole ounce. Thanks so much."
WASHINGTON, DC–Grimacing in considerable pain Monday, Rep. William Delahunt (D-MA) quickly drafted and introduced the 2001 Charley Horse Research Appropriations Act, which would allocate $100 million for "immediate research" to find a charley-horse cure. "Charley horses are a serious–oh, Jesus–medical condition that afflicts millions of Americans every day," Delahunt told House colleagues. "And so let us–Christ, this kills–pass this bill as soon as possible." When informed that the earliest the bill could be passed and signed into law is next Monday, Delahunt moaned and pounded the podium.
ROUND ROCK, TX–Despondent from the loss of his job and his recent divorce, National Rifle Association lifetime member Patrick Schramm is half-hoping for an accidental shooting death at the hands of his 10-year-old son. "I don't know what the point is anymore," Schramm said Monday. "Sometimes, I find myself wishing that Jeffrey would mistake me for a robber late at night and put me out of my misery." Schramm then absent-mindedly released the safety on his Browning 10 gauge and left it on the kitchen counter a foot from the cookie jar.
When you're a manager at a software company, boosting employee morale is a full-time job. The best way to keep everyone focused and productive, I believe, is to strike a careful balance between hard work and whimsy. That's why, last Thursday, I ran over to KB Toys on my lunch break and bought a dozen Nerf guns. And, boy, let me tell you, those Nerf guns really liven up the office!
It's a situation we've all been in before: You see a pretty woman in a bar, mall, grocery store, restaurant, library, laundromat, bowling alley, car dealership, post office, student union, tattoo parlor, or hospital. Smiling suavely, you move in and strike up a conversation using whatever means you have at hand. But every time, you somehow wind up striking out. It's happened to me, and I'm as eligible a bachelor as they come. These ladies would be lucky to land a guy like yours truly, but still they say no. I'm telling you, all women don't know what they're missing.
LOS ANGELES–In a gala, chimp-studded affair at the Shrine Auditorium, bananas swept the Primates' Choice Awards for the 42nd year in a row Monday, winning such categories as Best Food, Best Fruit, and Best Dessert. "This year, as in so many years past, bananas delighted and nourished the primate world," said Dole CEO David Murdock, who accepted the award for Best Potassium Source on behalf of bananas. "It is only fitting that we pay tribute in kind." The fruit's sweep proved popular with the 3,200 simians in attendance, who shrieked and jumped up and down in their seats each time it was announced as the winner while a photo of bananas was projected onto a giant screen.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BALTIMORE—Welcoming their trip to local bar Cavanaugh Tap House as a much-needed change of pace, a group of friends expressed their excitement Thursday at the opportunity to sit around and do nothing in a completely different setting, sources confirmed.