The Pill Turns 50

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Vol 46 Issue 20

Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range

SAN ANTONIO—After a brief exchange with the gun range manager, the remorseless gunman purchased a box of ammunition, showed two pieces of ID, signed in, walked to stall No. 17, and at once began his crazed shooting spree.

Steve Nash

The Suns average significantly more points when their seasoned point guard is on the court. Is he any good?

LeBron's Next Team

In scant weeks, LeBron James will be the most desirable free agent in recent memory. Where will basketball's biggest catch choose to go?
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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Energy

The Pill Turns 50

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the U.S. government's approval of the birth control pill. Here are some of the ways the pill has helped change women's lives:

  • Proved much safer than earlier birth control methods, most notably the cordite-ignited vaginal gun
  • Successfully helped to replace the term "spinster" with the term "career-oriented"
  • Women are now able to learn math
  • A woman can now freely enjoy other races in her extramarital affairs without the damn baby's skin color giving it away
  • For baby-boomer women, the pill heralds the start of all '60s montages
  • Changed your mother's life, as she likes to say, yet you exist, and she doesn't appear all that thrilled with her life choices anyhow
  • Kept Stephanie Lyall of Lawrence, KS from realizing just how awful a mother she would have been
  • Skin really cleared up; plus, no kids
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