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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Post-College Job Hunt

Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent. Here are some of the ways graduating seniors are getting a leg up:

  • Applying at places they happen to walk by and get a good feeling about
  • Getting the phone numbers of the 500 biggest companies in the United States; calling them and screaming, "ARE YOU HIRING?"
  • Practicing handshake with boss doll at home
  • Packaging resumé with a free iTunes download
  • Lurking at Chinese lunch buffet to find out what people with jobs talk about
  • Putting up "Josh Needs Work" fliers in their area and expecting support, not laughter, you guys
  • Googling "How to get a job"
  • Comping extra slice of cheese on sandwich of anyone who looks as if they might be hiring

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