After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Pros And Cons Of Breastfeeding

While studies have shown numerous benefits of breastfeeding for both infants and mothers, it can be particularly difficult for working moms to find the time to do so, while other women are unable to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. Here are the pros and cons of breastfeeding your child:


  • Enhances bond between mother and hungry blob
  • Passes important painkillers on to child
  • Reminds mothers of their purpose as procreative vessels
  • Best way to cram nutrients into child during short period of life when they’re receptive to that
  • Has been shown to prevent ailments such as infections, allergies, asthma, and let’s say diabetes
  • Can net you around 80 bucks on Craigslist if you don’t mind an audience
  • Makes mothers better and more important than women who don’t breastfeed


  • Mother must sleep in refrigerator to keep milk from spoiling
  • Formula feeding forges intimate bond between you and CVS cashier
  • Tiny, insatiable piglet chomping at your nipple
  • Several more months of only drinking alcohol in moderation
  • Not breastfeeding is easiest, most efficient way of letting everyone know you’re a bad mother who doesn’t care about her children
  • No one really knows how the milk gets from the cow to inside the woman
  • Life starts to feel like it revolves around baby

After Birth

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