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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits. Here are some of the pros and cons of going vegetarian:

PROS

  • Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat
  • Get to declare “I can’t eat this!” while throwing a meat dish on the floor
  • Tofu can be substituted in any non-vegetarian recipe calling for bland, flavorless chunks
  • Help replace environmentally harmful livestock industry with the environmentally harmful agriculture industry
  • Can enjoy unadulterated pleasure of slowly masticating bitter leaves and grasses
  • Fewer heart attacks than last year
  • Rewards points
  • Subtle nods of approval from every passing animal
  • Increased energy for complaining about how shitty life is now

CONS

  • Beef, pork, and chicken all contain meat, and you will not be allowed to eat them
  • Have to perfect the forced smile that accompanies choking down tempeh
  • May lose the weight, high cholesterol, and saturated fats you worked so hard for over the years
  • Get constantly pestered with questions from fascinated acquaintances
  • Will be forced to resign as vice president of your local Gravy Club
  • Could become the kind of person who asks questions about soups
  • No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse
  • Many animals not slaughtered for consumption could go on to live long lives filled with heartbreak and disappointment
  • Can go back to eating meat at any time without any consequence whatsoever

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