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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits. Here are some of the pros and cons of going vegetarian:

PROS

  • Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat
  • Get to declare “I can’t eat this!” while throwing a meat dish on the floor
  • Tofu can be substituted in any non-vegetarian recipe calling for bland, flavorless chunks
  • Help replace environmentally harmful livestock industry with the environmentally harmful agriculture industry
  • Can enjoy unadulterated pleasure of slowly masticating bitter leaves and grasses
  • Fewer heart attacks than last year
  • Rewards points
  • Subtle nods of approval from every passing animal
  • Increased energy for complaining about how shitty life is now

CONS

  • Beef, pork, and chicken all contain meat, and you will not be allowed to eat them
  • Have to perfect the forced smile that accompanies choking down tempeh
  • May lose the weight, high cholesterol, and saturated fats you worked so hard for over the years
  • Get constantly pestered with questions from fascinated acquaintances
  • Will be forced to resign as vice president of your local Gravy Club
  • Could become the kind of person who asks questions about soups
  • No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse
  • Many animals not slaughtered for consumption could go on to live long lives filled with heartbreak and disappointment
  • Can go back to eating meat at any time without any consequence whatsoever
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