The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Sleep

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits. Here are some of the pros and cons of going vegetarian:

PROS

  • Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat
  • Get to declare “I can’t eat this!” while throwing a meat dish on the floor
  • Tofu can be substituted in any non-vegetarian recipe calling for bland, flavorless chunks
  • Help replace environmentally harmful livestock industry with the environmentally harmful agriculture industry
  • Can enjoy unadulterated pleasure of slowly masticating bitter leaves and grasses
  • Fewer heart attacks than last year
  • Rewards points
  • Subtle nods of approval from every passing animal
  • Increased energy for complaining about how shitty life is now

CONS

  • Beef, pork, and chicken all contain meat, and you will not be allowed to eat them
  • Have to perfect the forced smile that accompanies choking down tempeh
  • May lose the weight, high cholesterol, and saturated fats you worked so hard for over the years
  • Get constantly pestered with questions from fascinated acquaintances
  • Will be forced to resign as vice president of your local Gravy Club
  • Could become the kind of person who asks questions about soups
  • No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse
  • Many animals not slaughtered for consumption could go on to live long lives filled with heartbreak and disappointment
  • Can go back to eating meat at any time without any consequence whatsoever