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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

While anti-violence activists continue to push for stricter gun laws including an all-out ban on assault weapons, gun advocates have dug in their heels, arguing that banning firearms and concealed carry violates people’s rights. Here are arguments for and against gun control:

PROS OF GUN CONTROL:

  • Advances the NRA’s mission of responsibility with firearms
  • Cold, dead hands free to hold other things
  • Mailroom guy just stormed off after getting fired
  • Guns are so loud!
  • Nerds, freaks, and weirdos could once again be put in their place without fear of reprisal
  • Still hundreds of other ways to murder people out there
  • Family not worth defending

CONS OF GUN CONTROL:

  • Ugh, already bought so many guns
  • Leaves citizens defenseless against government with world’s largest military, vast stockpile of nuclear weapons
  • Shopping for wedding gift suddenly even harder
  • Already hollowed out Bible
  • Nothing to spin around finger when bored
  • May encounter some resistance
  • Bang! Bang! Bang! Woohoo!
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