The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

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Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

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Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.

Mattel Announces Barbie Movie

Toymaker Mattel announced that it has teamed up with Sony Studios to produce a live-action Barbie movie, a comedy that will reportedly follow the character as she takes on many of the dozens of roles the doll has adopted over the years.
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The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

While anti-violence activists continue to push for stricter gun laws including an all-out ban on assault weapons, gun advocates have dug in their heels, arguing that banning firearms and concealed carry violates people’s rights. Here are arguments for and against gun control:

PROS OF GUN CONTROL:

  • Advances the NRA’s mission of responsibility with firearms
  • Cold, dead hands free to hold other things
  • Mailroom guy just stormed off after getting fired
  • Guns are so loud!
  • Nerds, freaks, and weirdos could once again be put in their place without fear of reprisal
  • Still hundreds of other ways to murder people out there
  • Family not worth defending

CONS OF GUN CONTROL:

  • Ugh, already bought so many guns
  • Leaves citizens defenseless against government with world’s largest military, vast stockpile of nuclear weapons
  • Shopping for wedding gift suddenly even harder
  • Already hollowed out Bible
  • Nothing to spin around finger when bored
  • May encounter some resistance
  • Bang! Bang! Bang! Woohoo!
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