After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Pros And Cons Of Homeschooling

Many parents are choosing to homeschool their children due to religious beliefs or dissatisfaction with their district, while opponents argue that attending school is essential to a child’s education and development. Here are some pros and cons of educating your child at home:


  • Better prepares children for modern world in which they never have to talk to people with different opinions
  • Guest lecturer Uncle Ken
  • Parental brainwashing much more efficient than government brainwashing
  • Sex education can be taught using family-approved euphemisms
  • No embarrassment when child accidentally calls teacher Mom
  • Primes child to eventually work from home, live at home, die at home
  • Despite its demanding workload, Dad’s History of Billy Joel class is pretty interesting


  • Have to spend time with child
  • High cost of adding cafeteria, auditorium, gym to house
  • Teacher unable to reuse joke material
  • Onus of bullying falls on parents
  • Higher rate of STDs in students who’ve never watched an educational improv troupe act out the dangers of unprotected sex
  • Slightly more difficult to get rid of underperforming teachers
  • Almost impossible to punish a child who is already being subjected to homeschooling

After Birth

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