After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth

While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home. Here are the leading arguments for and against natural childbirth:


  • Screaming, distressed woman flooded with endorphins and adrenaline gets to be in control of entire situation
  • Women get to have the same full and unspoiled experience of childbirth as ancestors, livestock, woodland animals
  • Can lord it over Karen
  • Offers mothers a more comfortable, non-intrusive means of pushing a child out of their vagina in a room full of people
  • Allows for a variety of birthing positions, such as the Hang Glider, the Roman Candle, and the Cannon, that are impossible after an epidural
  • Constant edge-of-seat excitement over not having medical professionals at the ready should there be any complication whatsoever
  • It’s beautiful, arguably


  • Lack of epidural denies infant opportunity to enter world with a nice buzz
  • Women may experience longer, more exasperating blog posts
  • Puts child at higher risk of being homeschooled
  • Means passing up rare, exciting opportunity to get massive needle stabbed into cerebrospinal fluid
  • Have to weigh baby on bathroom scale
  • Doula might fuck up APGAR test
  • Baby doesn’t give a shit one way or another

After Birth

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