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The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
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The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth

While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home. Here are the leading arguments for and against natural childbirth:

PROS

  • Screaming, distressed woman flooded with endorphins and adrenaline gets to be in control of entire situation
  • Women get to have the same full and unspoiled experience of childbirth as ancestors, livestock, woodland animals
  • Can lord it over Karen
  • Offers mothers a more comfortable, non-intrusive means of pushing a child out of their vagina in a room full of people
  • Allows for a variety of birthing positions, such as the Hang Glider, the Roman Candle, and the Cannon, that are impossible after an epidural
  • Constant edge-of-seat excitement over not having medical professionals at the ready should there be any complication whatsoever
  • It’s beautiful, arguably

CONS

  • Lack of epidural denies infant opportunity to enter world with a nice buzz
  • Women may experience longer, more exasperating blog posts
  • Puts child at higher risk of being homeschooled
  • Means passing up rare, exciting opportunity to get massive needle stabbed into cerebrospinal fluid
  • Have to weigh baby on bathroom scale
  • Doula might fuck up APGAR test
  • Baby doesn’t give a shit one way or another

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