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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Pros And Cons Of Vaccinating Children

The anti-vaccination movement has grown increasingly vocal in recent years, with a variety of organizations and public figures attempting to convince parents that immunizing their children presents more risks than benefits. Here are the cases for and against vaccinating children:

PROS

  • Helps out pharmaceutical industry
  • Get to puncture child with needle
  • Old family syringe shop depends on it
  • Habituates children to the pain of existence
  • Flies in face of science by discrediting single unanimously refuted paper from 10 years ago
  • Healthier children equals friendlier waiters at Chili’s down the line
  • Could save a few million children’s lives

CONS

  • You have to go to a place
  • Chance of developing autism 100 percent
  • Puts the onus of character-building entirely on sports
  • Without suffering through diphtheria, the flu, and measles, American children will become effete, pampered do-nothings
  • Free lollipops promote unhealthy eating habits
  • Child won’t get to be kindergarten’s Typhoid Mary
  • Bullies parents into slavishly following actions recommended by decades of physicians’ peer-reviewed research that establishes an irrefutable scientific consensus

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