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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Pros And Cons Of Vaccinating Children

The anti-vaccination movement has grown increasingly vocal in recent years, with a variety of organizations and public figures attempting to convince parents that immunizing their children presents more risks than benefits. Here are the cases for and against vaccinating children:

PROS

  • Helps out pharmaceutical industry
  • Get to puncture child with needle
  • Old family syringe shop depends on it
  • Habituates children to the pain of existence
  • Flies in face of science by discrediting single unanimously refuted paper from 10 years ago
  • Healthier children equals friendlier waiters at Chili’s down the line
  • Could save a few million children’s lives

CONS

  • You have to go to a place
  • Chance of developing autism 100 percent
  • Puts the onus of character-building entirely on sports
  • Without suffering through diphtheria, the flu, and measles, American children will become effete, pampered do-nothings
  • Free lollipops promote unhealthy eating habits
  • Child won’t get to be kindergarten’s Typhoid Mary
  • Bullies parents into slavishly following actions recommended by decades of physicians’ peer-reviewed research that establishes an irrefutable scientific consensus
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